Your Children Are Listening: Nine Messages They Need to Hear from You

others who have helped them. This form of gratitude is even more powerful because it involves your children actually engaging in, rather than just thinking about, gratitude. When children express gratitude toward someone, they create a relationship with gratitude that offers both themselves and the recipients tremendous benefits. This externally directed experience with gratitude has an additional impact of exposing your children to reinforcing messages from the beneficiaries of their gratitude. Children will not only generate their own emotions associated with gratitude but also receive verbal and emotional messages about gratitude from the recipients that further bolster the meaning and value of gratitude in their lives.
    The most common way that children can express gratitude is to simply say “thank you” to those who help them. But there are other, more powerful ways they can convey and experience gratitude. The idea of “paying it forward” is an active way in which children can, through their actions, honor the help they have received from others. Children who, for example, were consoled by a friend when they were sad can show gratitude toward that friend by, in turn, caring for another friend who is feeling blue. Additionally, one of the best ways for children to express gratitude to adultswho give them enriching opportunities, for example, parents who provide them with sports or music lessons, is to take full advantage of those opportunities.
    Third, children receive powerful messages about gratitude when they are the recipients of gratitude. When they help other people and receive thanks in return, they experience firsthand the positive influence they can have on others. Children can bask in the emotional reactions of those they help. When children respond to gratitude with a “You’re very welcome,” they affirm the value of the assistance they provided and the gratitude that was expressed. They can also experience the wonderful feelings of satisfaction, joy, and pride in having helped others.
    Fourth, you can reinforce the importance of gratitude and make your children feel darned proud of themselves by acknowledging their actions to others. For example, if a neighbor stops by just after your daughter helped you clean out the garage, you might say, “I really appreciated her help because it would have taken so much longer without her.” Of course, you don’t want to brag about your children’s good deeds (e.g., “My son spent the weekend saving the world!,” said with self-congratulation), but a heartfelt and appropriately expressed acknowledgment to others of what your children have done can go a long way in teaching your children about gratitude.
    Finally, an underappreciated way to teach your children gratitude is to teach them to express gratitude toward themselves. If your children can appreciate for themselves the value of what they have to offer (“I did a nice thing sending that card to my grandma”), then they will be in a better position to understand others’ appreciation for what they do and to appreciate what others do for them. This “self-gratitude” can also contribute to your children’s development of self-esteem and self-respect because it requires that they recognize and hold in high regard who they are and what they are capable of giving.
CATCHPHRASES FOR GRATITUDE
     
    Our catchphrase for gratitude is “mo’ grat’,” short for “more gratitude.” When Sarah or I don’t feel like we are being adequately appreciated, we simply say, “mo’ grat’” and a “thank you” soon follows. Catie and Gracie will even catch us with a “mo’ grat’” when we don’t say our thank-yous.
----
    CATCHPHRASES FOR GRATITUDE
     
“Mo’ grat’.”
“You get what you get and you don’t get upset.”
“_______, thank you for _______”
“Have a grateful heart.”
“Gratitude back and forth”
----
    Before Myra and Gene had children, they cringed at the sense of entitlement in so many children they met. It seemed like kids these days feel they deserve everything they want, when they want it. When Myra and Gene had children, they sure weren’t going to allow that attitude to creep into their family. And one day after preschool, their four-year-old son, Erik, gave them their catchphrase for gratitude. Their two-and-a-half-year-old daughter, Melanie, was whining loudly about not getting the snack she wanted, and Erik spouted out, “You get what you get and don’t