Your Children Are Listening: Nine Messages They Need to Hear from You

get upset.” Myra and Gene looked at each other in shock at the clarity of Erik’s message. They asked him where he learned that, and he said that it was part of a song that one of his teachers had sung that morning. Then they asked him what it meant. He said that kids need to learn that a lot of kids don’t have much, and they should be grateful for what they get and not get angry for not getting everything they want. So the family decided to adopt it as their message for gratitude. Admittedly, when their children really, really want something, the catch-phrase doesn’t always settle them down, but Myra and Gene believe that just putting it out there will enable the message to sink in sooner or later.
    Henry and Anna like to keep things simple. Their catchphrase is “______, thank you for ______.” I add the “______” because they expect their three children not only to say thank you to those who help them, but also to be specific in what the expression of gratitude is for and to name the person who is the recipient of gratitude; for example, “Mom, thank you for dinner,” or “Mrs. Camby, thank you for helping me with my math problems today.”
    Gloria believes that all good actions must come from the heart. So her catchphrase for gratitude is “Have a grateful heart.” Whenever her two children take what they have for granted, she invokes “Have a grateful heart.” Plus, she reminds them that there are many children who are less fortunate than they. As she admits, these reminders don’t always placate them (and often irritate them), but when the phrase is combined with other messages of gratitude, her children slowly come around to appreciating and expressing gratitude for what they have.
    Alma believes that gratitude is actually an exchange between the helper and the helpee. Her catchphrase for her family is “Gratitude back and forth.” Alma expects her son, Rex, to solicit help by beginning every request with “Would you please …” before he specifies the assistance he is asking for. When it is provided, Henry and Anna urge Rex to then give thanks to the specific person for the particular act of helping (e.g., “Daddy, thank you for getting me more milk.”) The recipient of the gratitude then concludes the exchange with “You are very welcome. I’m happy to help.” Of course, Alma can’t ensure that every person who helps her son will respond this way, but she makes sure she does.
ROUTINES AND RITUALS FOR GRATITUDE
     
    Our family also has a “mo’ grat’” ritual every evening when we sit down for dinner. In this case, it means a “moment of gratitude” during which we hold hands around the table, take a deep breath,close our eyes, and for a few seconds reflect on who and what we are grateful for. This ritual has several wonderful benefits. It allows us to put the busy day behind us and relax and be present at the dinner table. “Mo’ grat’” enables us to really focus on the good things in our lives. Also, at least once a week, Sarah or I ask Catie and Gracie what they are grateful for and we share with them what we were grateful for. To our pleasant surprise, they almost always are able to readily come up with the names of people they appreciative.
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    ROUTINES AND RITUALS FOR GRATITUDE
     
Moment of gratitude.
Prayer.
Require “please,” “thank you,” and “you’re welcome.”
Requests, not demands.
Gratitude for meals.
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    Patrick and Denise are devout Christians and use prayer at dinner and bedtime to teach their four children about gratitude. As a part of their dinnertime prayer, the family thanks the Lord for all that He has given them. At bedtime, their children express gratitude toward three people who helped them that day.
    To encourage their son Arnie to want to help, Ted and Betsy use his chores as opportunities not only to model gratitude but also to turn the tables on him so he experiences and gains the benefits of being the recipient of gratitude. When Arnie does a chore such as making his bed, Ted and Betsy say, “Arnie, thank you for making your bed. We really appreciate it.” In turn, they have taught him to respond with “You’re welcome.”
    Renny is a no-nonsense father who was raised by a no-nonsense father with certain expectations of civility. He wanted his two sons to learn good manners just the way he did. Their family has a simple rule: You don’t get anything until you ask for it rather than demanding it, ask specifically for