Your Children Are Listening: Nine Messages They Need to Hear from You

what you want, and then express thanks after receiving it. You know how kids are when they want something, for example, “I want more strawberries!” Demands like that just don’t fly in Renny’s house. If his boys utter such commands,Renny gives them a look and says, “If you want something, what do you need to say?” His sons know the answer to their father’s question: “Daddy, may I please have more strawberries?” Then, after receiving them, they must say, “Daddy, thank you for the strawberries” (or some variation on that theme). If his boys don’t express thanks after they receive what they asked for, Renny takes it away until they do. As his sons have gotten older, they have gotten the message, and he is regularly complimented on their manners.
    Terry knows how hard his wife Jaime works to prepare interesting and healthy dinners for their two children, Casey (age four) and Ivy (age two). From five to six o’clock every day, Jaime is in the kitchen, reading cookbooks and following recipes so her family can have a tasty and enjoyable meal together. Unfortunately, their children’s response to what appears on their plates was sometimes a resounding—and hurtful—“Yuck!” And even when their kids liked the meal, they were finished in five minutes and their mother received no thanks for her efforts. And Terry had to admit that he didn’t always thank Jaime either. After a while, Jaime told him that she felt unappreciated for all of the time and effort she put into making dinner.
    Terry decided it was time to take action. At first, he said, “Thank you, Jaime, for a wonderful meal,” making sure his kids heard him. But even after several weeks of consistent gratitude, the children still hadn’t gotten the message. He could have gotten heavy handed and demanded that they thank their mother for the meal, but he decided to see if he could make it fun instead. At the end of each dinner, Terry would lean toward each of his kids and, covering his mouth from Jaime’s sight (giving his children the impression that Jaime wouldn’t be able to hear him and this was their secret), whisper “Would you please thank Mama for dinner?” Casey, being older, would get the message and thank her mama immediately, often in a goofy voice and with a funny expression on her face. Ivy was a little more reluctant and would resist Terry’s whispered exhortations. But she soon found her own way of expressing gratitudetoward her mother. Ivy began to mimic her dad by leaning toward her mom, putting her hand on the side of her mouth, and whispering thanks to her mother. Then, a few weeks later, Ivy said thanks with sign language.
ACTIVITIES FOR GRATITUDE
     
    Sarah is a bit “old school” in her approach to gratitude. In an age of e-mails and text messages, she likes our family to express gratitude the old-fashioned way. When Catie and Gracie receive birthday or Christmas gifts or are given some special opportunity or experience, they are required to send handwritten (or scrawled, in Gracie’s case) and decorated notes of thanks to everyone. Their grandparents and others have commented on how much they appreciate the time and effort Catie and Gracie put into the thank-you notes.
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    ACTIVITIES FOR GRATITUDE
     
Write handwritten thank-you notes.
Play the “wish game.”
Keep a helping chart.
Read about others who express gratitude.
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    Frank and Lila play the “wish game” with their three children, often when they are getting bored during a long drive. The game involves identifying someone they care about and making a wish for that person that would make them happy. For example, when Lila’s father, “Granddad Earl,” left after a recent visit, their three children each chose something they wished for him. Their eldest, Roger, wished for Earl to have a safe trip home. The middle child, Eva, wished for better health because Earl had been ill lately. And their youngest child, Freddie, wished for Earl to make another visit so he could give his grandfather more hugs and kisses. Each child then wrote and mailed a card to their grandfather expressing their wish for him. When Granddad Earl received the cards, he almost burst with joy.
    Dede had read that a great way to send the message of gratitude to her three children was to learn about other people who expressed gratitude. If children hear about the experience of gratitude in others, it causes them to think about gratitude and the good things in their own