Your Children Are Listening: Nine Messages They Need to Hear from You

respect her clients show for their bodies is a reflection of their self-respect. And Martha has seen the messages that girls are getting about their bodies from popular culture and is determined to send her daughter Amanda very different messages. Her catchphrase is “Respect your body,” which has many different connotations. It means treating her body with respect by eating healthily and being active. “Respect your body” also conveys the message that Amanda has control over what is done to her body. For example, Martha and Amanda have “tickle fights,” but if the fun gets uncomfortable for either of them, she can declare “Respect my body” and the other has to stop. Martha believes this is good early training for teaching Amanda to stand up for herself if an adult makes inappropriate advances on her, or if someone is too forward with her when she starts dating.
    Terry and Jaime met at a running race and were immediately attracted to each other for their attitudes toward health and fitness. They exercise almost every day and eat a healthy diet, and want to share these beliefs with their children, Casey and Ivy. Their catch-phrase is “Your body is a temple,” meaning that it is something to be treated with respect. Before every meal, each member of their family says the catchphrase and gives an example of a way in which they treated their body well that day.
ROUTINES AND RITUALS FOR RESPECT
     
    The timeout (we actually call it a “time-off”) is a key ritual that we use for sending the message of respect to Catie and Gracie. Time-outsare one of the most commonly used forms of punishment or consequences these days for children who are disrespectful or misbehave (we see it as a teachable moment), but also one of the most controversial. Some parenting experts suggest that timeouts aren’t healthy because they cause children to feel rejected, isolated, and dehumanized. We, however, have found them to be an effective tool in teaching respect and responsibility when applied consistently, judiciously, and combined with an explanation and an “I love you” (and considerable research supports its value when used appropriately).
----
    ROUTINES AND RITUALS FOR RESPECT
     
Time-off.
Make eye contact.
“Meet and greet.”
Share fitness activities.
Prepare healthy meals together.
----
    Timeouts communicate three important messages: The adults are in charge, there are some things children must do and other things they are not allowed to do, and actions have consequences. Despite the protestations of critics, timeouts are hardly harsh; they are boring, they prevent kids from doing things they want to do, and kids may feel bad during timeouts. The benefits are that they give children time to calm down, to think about what they did, and to realize that their actions have consequences.
    If Catie or Gracie is disrespectful, we first give her a chance to make amends. If she refuses, we pick her up and place her in a corner of a nearby room. We explain why she is getting a time-off (e.g., you hit your sister, wouldn’t do your job, or threw your food) and how she can end the time-off on her own (e.g., by apologizing, doing her job, or cleaning up her mess, respectively). After she has made amends, we once again explain why she got a time-off, thank her for being so respectful, give her a hug, and tell her “I love you.”
    Eve and Darren believe that paying attention is an important sign of respect. It was incredibly frustrating for them to speak totheir two children and routinely be ignored. They would ask their children to do something repeatedly with no results. They sometimes got angry because they thought their kids were being disrespectful. Then they learned an important lesson: their children weren’t necessarily being disrespectful, but rather got so absorbed in their world that they just didn’t hear their parents. To combat this disconnect, when they want something from their kids, Eve and Darren first ask them to look them in the eye. When they do this, Eve and Darren know their children are paying attention and are ready to hear what they want to say. Their children learn that eye contact is respectful, and Eve and Darren are sure that their children are focused on them so they don’t need to repeat themselves (or at least not as many times!).
    Rene and Todd want their three girls to make a respectful first impression when they meet people. From an early age, they expected Danika, Jenny, and Annie to