Your Children Are Listening: Nine Messages They Need to Hear from You

than victims of traditional bullying. Additionally, cyberbullying seems to be particularly harmful because there is no refuge: Information proliferates quickly and widely, cyberbullies can easily hide their identities, and direct engagement isn’t possible.
    Children with self-respect don’t bully others because they have no need to dominate or demean others to feel good about themselves.Nor do they allow themselves to be bullied because they value themselves enough to stand up to the bullies (who usually back down when challenged) or walk away from their antagonists. Conversely, those lacking self-respect are often either the perpetrators or the victims of bullying. Some children who don’t feel good about themselves lash out at others to gain a sense of control or power, and thus validation of their self-worth. Other children who don’t value themselves communicate their vulnerability to their peers, thus making themselves easy targets for bullies.
CATCHPHRASES FOR RESPECT
     
    The Taylor family doesn’t have a catchphrase for respect, but rather a “catch-expression,” which Catie dubbed “The Look.” Let me explain. When Catie was about two and a half and started to behave disruptively or disrespectfully, I would, without realizing it, give her an expression in which I would tilt my head, raise an eyebrow, and convey the message, “You are being disrespectful, and if you continue down this road there will be consequences.” Then, one evening at dinner when she was about to throw her food, she saw my expression and yelled, “Daddy, don’t give me The Look!” I was completely unaware of what she was talking about, and Catie had to explain it to me. From that point on, whenever the girls (Gracie also got the message when she was old enough) were disrespectful, I would either slightly raise an eyebrow or ask them, “Do you want The Look?” and they would usually stop their bad behavior because they knew what was coming next. Catie and Gracie had fun with The Look, too; when either Sarah or I did something that the girls deemed disrespectful, for example, if Sarah ordered the girls to do something (we try to ask rather than demand) or I forgot to thank Sarah for dinner (an after-dinner ritual), they would give us their version of The Look. And they often asked me to give them the “fake Look” and would giggle uncontrollably when I complied. But the message of The Look was clear to them: Disrespect will have consequences.
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    CATCHPHRASES FOR RESPECT
     
“The Look.”
“The easy way or the hard way.”
“Use your kind words and voice.”
“It’s not what you say; it’s how you say it.”
“Respect your body.”
“Your body is a temple.”
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    Susannah emphasizes the importance of respect by getting her children to cooperate during their bedtime rituals. They often get rambunctious during their preparations or drag their feet when they are, for example, brushing their teeth or putting on their pajamas. At that point, Susannah invokes their catchphrase, “We can do this the easy way or the hard way.” The message here is that her children are going to complete their bedtime rituals whether they like it or not, and it is their choice whether they are cooperative and the process goes quickly and smoothly or they are obstinate and getting ready for bed becomes a struggle. And, in the latter case, there are consequences for their lack of respect. More often than not, Susannah’s children choose the easy way.
    Yuki and Mitch believe that respect is best expressed through the words and tone of voice that are used. Their two children, Gregor and Vera, often make demands in a most unpleasant tone of voice. Needless to say, that strategy doesn’t get them very far. At that point, Yuki or Mitch invokes their catchphrase, “Use your kind words and voice,” and Gregor and Vera restate their wishes, and, not surprisingly, often get what they want.
    Ty has a similar attitude with his two daughters, but their catch-phrase is “It’s not what you say; it’s how you say it.” If either of his girls wants something, they must pose a question that starts with the name of the person to whom they are speaking, followed by a“please” and then the request. When they get what they want, they have to say “thank you” followed by the name of the person who fulfilled the request.
    Martha, a massage therapist and yoga instructor, is obviously highly attuned to people’s bodies. She has found that the