Your Children Are Listening: Nine Messages They Need to Hear from You

watching will actually envy your resolve.
    Respect also takes a hit when you get pulled into battles of will and lower yourself to your children’s level. When you react to their provocations by losing control (in other words, by acting like a child), you hand them a ready-made strategy for winning future battles of will. And you communicate the double message that you don’t respect them (because you’re shouting at them) and that you don’t deserve their respect (because you’re acting just like they are). Your children learn that if they push hard enough for long enough, they’ll ultimately tear down the veneer of maturity that earns you respect and reduce you to their equal. As soon as you stoop to their level, for example, by yelling at your children when you get angry with them, they see that they’re now in a battle of wills with another child, and that is a battle they know they can win (becausethey are better at being a child than you). What gives you the power to win these battles of will, and your children’s respect for you, is your ability to maintain control over your emotions when your children lose control of theirs.
    The ideal way to deal with battles of will is to create a win-win situation in which both you and your children feel like the winner. This approach to battles of will is best because there is no loser, so no one feels disrespected, and everyone walks away with their heads held high. For example, sometimes after dinner, Gracie doesn’t like to bring her dishes to the sink, and despite (or because of) our urgings, she digs her heels in. In our family, both girls are required to clear the table after dinner, so there is no other option. At the same time, we’ve learned that Gracie, who can be pretty darned stubborn, sometimes just needs a little space so she can feel more in control. So in this situation, we will allow her to do something that she wants to do, such as play for a few minutes with Catie, before asking her to return to the kitchen to clear her dishes from the table. It works every time. In a win-win scenario, you communicate several important messages to your children. They get the message that they are respected enough to have gained a victory. Because you were the one who formulated the win-win, your children see that you are being fair with them, thus earning their respect. Finally, you send the message that compromises can work out better than battles of will.
SELF-RESPECT
     
    When children learn to respect you and others, they get the meta-message that all people should be respected, including themselves. Yet, so many of the messages children get these days from popular culture don’t engender respect at all. The messages that children get from popular culture, for example, about junk food and drugs, are decidedly not respectful because they are not healthy.
    Certainly, self-respect in children arises from self-esteem; the love, security, and competence that I discussed in chapters 4 –6 form the foundation for children being respectful of themselves. If children have self-esteem, they will, by definition, value themselves. Additionally, the messages that children get from their parents and other important people in their lives, for example, extended family, teachers, and friends, reinforce the feelings of being valued that lie at the heart of self-respect. This healthy self-respect can act as armor against the bludgeons of popular culture aimed at pounding down children’s self-esteem until they are willing to believe and do anything regardless of how bad it is for them.
    You can send messages about three areas of self-respect to your children. First, they should learn to respect themselves physically because without a healthy body, not much else is possible. This is easier said than done in a culture that encourages children to treat their bodies like garbage dumps rather than temples. In a society where obesity is epidemic among young people, junk food and sugary drinks are the rule rather than the exception, children sit on a couch in front of a screen more than they play outside, and inexplicably, physical education and recess are being cut from school curricula (despite the clear evidence that physical activity improves attention, behavior, learning, and grades). You can send simple and practical messages to your children about healthy eating by eating healthy food yourselves and offering your children a balanced and healthful diet. You can convey