Your Children Are Listening: Nine Messages They Need to Hear from You

shake a person’s hand, look him or her in the eye, and say hello. This ritual wasn’t easy to teach their girls, especially Jenny, who was very shy, but Rene and Todd were determined. They practiced shaking hands with their girls, looking them in the eye, and saying hello. They made a game, called Meet and Greet, that their daughters loved. In the game, they created elaborate stories in which their daughters would play (and even dress up as) characters, for example, princesses at a ball, where they would approach “strangers” (their parents) and introduce themselves. Rene and Todd probably played Meet and Greet a thousand times with their girls, but the payoff was huge: By age five, each of the girls was comfortable and confident enough to, when meeting a new person, extend her hand, look the new person in the eye, and greet him or her with a “hello.”
    Terry and Jaime wanted to make sure Casey and Ivy got the message of respecting their bodies from an early age. Along with their catchphrase, “Your body is a temple,” they shared their exercise routines with their girls. Terry alternated taking their kids on runs with him in the baby jogger. Jaime gave both of them toy dumbbells sothey could follow along with the strength routine that she did in the family room three times each week. Casey and Ivy participate in family bike rides, progressing from riding in bike trailers to riding their own bikes. Terry and Jaime also include their children in cooking dinner so they can learn about the different healthy foods that are being prepared.
ACTIVITIES FOR RESPECT
     
    Like most young children, Catie and Gracie have a disrespectful (and annoying) habit of stating their wants as statements (e.g., “I want some more oatmeal.”), or even worse, as demands (e.g., “Go get my doll” in a loud voice). When either happens, we simply look them in the eye and wait till they ask a question. If they don’t come up with a respectful request, we say, “So you want some more oatmeal. If you want more oatmeal what do you need to do?” If they still don’t ask respectfully, we say, “We only accept questions with please.” When Catie and Gracie finally make a respectful request, we say something like, “I would be happy to get you some more oatmeal. Isn’t it amazing what you can get when you ask in a respectful way?” We then wait for them to say “thank you.” If that isn’t forthcoming, we say “Isn’t there something you should say after someone helps you?” Once they express their gratitude for our assistance, we conclude with “You are most welcome.”
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    ACTIVITIES FOR RESPECT
     
Requests, not demands.
Say “excuse me” rather than interrupting.
Ask to be excused from dinner table.
Call adults by honorific and last name.
Be role models of respect.
Apologize after bad behavior.
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    Having been raised by parents who were sticklers for manners and seen how politeness had served her so well in life, Debi wascommitted to instilling that same courtesy in her son Ethan. She had three requirements related to respect for him. Rather than interrupting her when he wanted to say something, Ethan had to say “excuse me.” He also wasn’t allowed to leave the dinner table without asking to be excused. Lastly, Debi had noticed that all of Ethan’s friends called adults by their first names. When she was growing up, that wasn’t even an option, and she felt that such familiarity created a casual atmosphere lacking in respect. So Ethan was required to refer to the adults he met by their honorific and last name. Debi believes that this decorum is a reminder that grown-ups are not like peers and deserve respect from children.
    Sonya and Ned noticed that their three children were becoming less and less respectful in their tone toward each other. They had always tried to encourage civility in their kids, but the message didn’t seem to be getting through. Before dinner after a stressful day, Sonya and Ned had a real wake-up call; they realized that they were being terrible role models when it came to the way they were talking to each other and to their children. They were speaking with harsh voices and demanding rather than asking; there were no pleases and thank-yous. No wonder their kids weren’t very respectful! So Sonya and Ned made a commitment to each other to change their ways for the sake of their children (and perhaps their marriage). With a great deal of awareness and effort, they shifted their