Your Children Are Listening: Nine Messages They Need to Hear from You

emotion is an uncomfortable and difficult topic for many parents (and, in fact, for most people). Previous generations sent their own messages about emotions that conveyedthat emotions were something to either be suppressed (in the 1950s) or expressed in any way that feels good (in the 1960s and 1970s). The current generation of parents may not have had positive role models in their own lives (emotions just weren’t part of the zeitgeist of their parents’ generation), so they have only their own emotional experiences, not all healthy to be sure, to rely on in helping their children to shape their emotional lives.
    Popular culture certainly doesn’t help children to gain mastery over their emotions. On television, in movies and video games, and on the Internet, children rarely see realistic or healthy depictions of emotions; most often, they see people who are either totally repressed or completely out of control. The extreme expressions of emotion that we commonly see in the media make for great entertainment, but they aren’t useful as learning tools for children who are trying to come to grips with emotions that are often overwhelming, difficult to understand, and even more difficult to control.
EMOTIONAL OVERPROTECTION
     
    In recent years, parents have gotten messages from parenting experts that they need to be extra responsive to their children’s emotions, the thinking being that negative emotions will somehow scar their children. In doing so, many parents have overreacted to this advice and have gone out of their way to protect their children from so-called bad emotions by placating, distracting, or assuaging these emotions rather than allowing their children to experience and learn from their own emotional ups and downs. For example, too often, I hear parents tell their scared child, “There’s nothing to be afraid of,” or say to their angry toddler, “It’s not worth getting upset about.” These parental messages are dismissive of the very real feelings that their children experience and ignore the profound complexity and meaning behind those emotions. They also deny thelegitimacy of having these emotions (which the children feel acutely). And, to add insult to injury, these unhelpful messages offer children no way to better understand and manage their emotions.
    Contrary to popular belief, when children are not allowed to feel so-called bad emotions, they are hurt in two ways. First, emotions are like two sides of the same coin; children can’t feel good emotions, such as excitement, joy, and inspiration, unless they also have the opportunity to feel the bad emotions. Second, without feeling bad emotions, children never learn to deal with those emotions. Thus, overprotection leaves children wholly unprepared for the “real world,” where bad emotions are just a part of life.
EMOTIONAL DEFAULTS
     
    In chapter 1 , I introduced the concept of defaults, namely, automatic responses to situations in which your children will find themselves. The idea of defaults holds particular significance for emotions because the emotional defaults that your children develop when they are very young will dictate how they experience and express their emotions in the future. The early messages you send them about emotions determine what those defaults will be. For example, when your children get angry, do they lash out at others or go off by themselves to cool down? When they get frustrated, do they give up or take a break and return to the task for another try? When they are scared, do they run away or ask for support and confront their fear? Your messages about emotions can influence the defaults children develop in response to these and other emotional situations.
ARE YOU AN EMOTIONAL MASTER?
     
    Your children learn their most basic emotional habits from you through observation and modeling. Not surprisingly then, giventhat you are your children’s most powerful role model for the first years of their lives, their development of emotional mastery is greatly facilitated when you possess the qualities that your children need to cultivate.
    As a colleague of mine once noted insightfully, “A parent’s unconscious is their child’s reality.” Whenever I say that, a chill goes up my spine because of the succinct, yet unsettling, message it conveys to parents. The reality is that, as I have discussed previously, most parents carry with them unhealthy emotional baggage and habits (e.g, low self-esteem,