Your Children Are Listening: Nine Messages They Need to Hear from You

something to do.
    Both Henry and Anna grew up with pets in their families. From cats and dogs to turtles and guinea pigs, they had all kinds of animals in their respective households and loved each and every one of them. They not only wanted their three children to share that love of animals, but to learn about responsibility from them. So from the time their three children could walk, Henry and Anna began to work their family up the animal-kingdom food chain, first with fish, then turtles, then a parakeet, and then one, and finally two dogs.
    The one rule that they instituted before they got every new pet was that it was up to the children to care for them, and all three of their kids had to make that commitment. With each pet, each of their children is assigned an age-appropriate responsibility. For example, when they got their first puppy, Dex, a mutt from the Humane Society (which sends a meta-message of compassion and caring for those less fortunate), three-year-old Jackie’s job was to fill his water bowl each day. Six-year-old Cara had to keep his food bowl topped off. And nine-year-old Jace had the dirty job of cleaning up after Dex. Plus, the three had to take turns walking him every day.
    As with most children who want pets, the three initially over-promised and under-delivered on their responsibilities, but Henry and Anna were firm in providing their kids with reasonable rewards and consequences for fulfilling or failing at their responsibilities. They are also persistent and patient in sending their children the necessary messages of responsibility. Over time, their three children have learned to do their jobs most of the time, and given the joy that their menagerie brings their family, Henry and Anna are happy to take up the slack when needed.
    Aaron hadn’t always made the best decisions in his life, but adopting May was the best decision he had ever made. In his meandering journey through life, he had come to appreciate the profound importance of decision making in becoming a responsible person. So he was intent on teaching May how to make good decisionsearly in her young life. He believes that the way to become a good decision maker is to experience the good, bad, and somewhat ugly of decision making firsthand. So from before May could even speak, he gave her opportunities to make decisions, about what to wear, what book to read, or what toy to play with. As May matured and her language skills developed, Aaron began to talk to her about why children make bad decisions; for example, they don’t stop to think, they are bored, or they think something will be fun. He also made sure that May experienced the consequences of her decisions and has required her to take responsibility for whatever decisions she makes. Whenever May is faced with a decision, he asks her several questions: Why do you want to do this? What are your options? What are the consequences of your decision? And, finally, is this the best decision for you? Aaron also works at earning May’s trust so that when she has an important decision to make (at least by her standards), she will turn to him, and he can coach her through. Aaron’s real hope is that when May hits her teen years, she’ll still hits out to him when the decisions she will be making are really important!

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Message #9: Emotion Is Your Child’s Palette (“Feel Bad, Feel Good”)
     
    Although I place emotion as my ninth and last essential message, it is not because it’s the least important. To the contrary, I conclude
Your Children Are Listening
with emotion because it is the most vital, yet most neglected, aspect of children’s development. There is nothing more important to your children’s future well-being than the development of what I call emotional mastery. The initial messages your children get about emotions will determine the degree to which their early experiences (nurture) shape their inborn temperament (nature). And the habits that result may very well determine the direction that their emotional lives will take. Despite the importance of emotion, children are typically left to their own devices to figure out the maelstrom of emotions they experience every day. Parents rarely provide their children with deliberate means of understanding their emotional lives, and few if any schools offer classes on emotion. Emotions are also my last message because they transcend and influence the previous eight messages that I’ve described.
    The reality is that