Your Children Are Listening: Nine Messages They Need to Hear from You

perfectionism, a need for control) from their childhoods that, if left unchecked, will be messages sent to their children. If you are, for example, an emotional victim, it is likely that you will send your children messages that they aren’t capable of managing their emotions well, thus passing your emotional victimhood onto them.
    Conversely, if you are an emotional master, you are likely to communicate messages that your children can be in command of their emotional lives, and as a result, pass your emotional mastery on to them. You will not only “talk the talk” of emotional mastery, but also “walk the walk”—you will act as a positive role model of the emotional habits and skills your children must learn to become emotional masters. Considerable research supports this link between parents’ mental health and their children’s, and the value of parents addressing their own baggage for their children’s well-being. One of the strongest recommendations I can make to you is to explore your emotional life and ensure that most of the messages you are sending your children about emotions are beneficial for them.
    There are a variety of ways in which you can examine your emotional life. You can seek out a trained professional, such as a psychiatrist, psychologist, or counselor, who can provide objective perspectives and insights into your emotional life. Workshops that provide instructional, social, and experiential components can be beneficial. You can also look at your emotional world by reading some of the plethora of self-help books that are available on everyissue and neurosis out there. Meditation or other religious and secular forms of introspection can help you access and let go of your perhaps-hidden emotional life. Regardless of the method you choose, your ability to understand and gain control over your emotional baggage is the “gift that keeps on giving,” because one of the greatest gifts you can give your children is not to hand over your baggage (like everyone else, they’ll accumulate their own as they develop!).
EMOTIONAL COACHING
     
    Emotional mastery doesn’t mean eliminating or suppressing emotion. Instead, it involves children being able to recognize what emotion they are experiencing, understanding what is causing the emotion, and being able to express the emotion in a healthy way.
    You can facilitate your children’s understanding by engaging in “emotional coaching,” in which you guide your children in the exploration of their emotional world. Research has shown that emotional coaching can act as a buffer against a variety of psychological problems and that children who are coached emotionally focus more effectively, are better learners, and do better in school.
    Children can get so wrapped up in the negative emotions of the moment that they are unable to step back and see that their reactions are not serving them well. It’s best not to try to engage children in an analysis of their emotions at this point; they are probably too overwhelmed to think clearly. The best thing you can do while they are in the “heat” of their emotions is to simply be there for them as a safe harbor in their emotional storm. Offer them quiet comfort with the security of physical contact (“hugs heal all wounds”), a calm air they can draw from, and some gentle words of observation and assurance (e.g., “You are really sad now. It’s okay to feel bad. You’ll feel better soon. Until then, I’m here for you.”). Yourchildren will settle down in their own good time, and they will have had the opportunity to fully experience their emotions with you there to support them.
    When your children have moved beyond their upset and returned to a basic level of emotional equilibrium, you can then begin to coach them on their emotional experience. Children can easily separate negative from positive emotions, but only with experience can they learn the differences between different negative emotions. When your children feel bad, they may need help distinguishing whether they are, for example, fearful, angry, frustrated, sad, or hurt. Ask them what they were feeling. If they have difficulty identifying what they felt, suggest several possibilities. Then ask if they know why they had gotten upset (e.g., their sibling wouldn’t share with them). If, again, they don’t know, you can consider the situation and offer several possibilities. It is also useful to have them describe what they felt physically