A Blink of the Screen

him. ‘Anyway , gentlemen, his lordship has appointed a Mr A. E. Pessimal, a man of whom I know little, as Inspector of Universities. His job, I suspect, is to drag us kicking and no doubt screaming into the Century of the Fruitbat.’
    ‘That was in fact the last century, Archchancellor,’ said Ponder.
    ‘Well, we are hard to drag and very good at kicking,’ said Ridcully. ‘He has made a few little, ah, suggestions for improvement …’
    ‘Really? This should be fun,’ said the Dean.
    Ridcully pushed the folder to his right.
    ‘Over to you, Mr Stibbons.’
    ‘Yes, Archchancellor. Er … thank you. Um. As you know, the city has always waived all taxes on the University—’
    ‘Because they know what would happen if they tried it,’ said the Dean, with some satisfaction.
    ‘Yes,’ said Ponder. ‘And, then again, no. I fear we are past the times when a little shape-changing or a couple of fireballs would do the trick. That is not the modern spirit. It would be a good idea to at least
examine
Mr Pessimal’s suggestions …’
    There was a general shrugging. It would at least pass the time until the tea turned up.
    ‘Firstly,’ said Ponder, ‘Mr Pessimal wants to know what we do here.’
    ‘Do? We are the premier college of magic!’ said Ridcully.
    ‘But do we teach?’
    ‘Only if no alternative presents itself,’ said the Dean. ‘We show ’em where the library is, give ’em a few little chats, and graduate the survivors. If they run into any problems, my door is always metaphorically open.’
    ‘Metaphorically, sir?’ said Ponder.
    ‘Yes. But technically, of course, it’s locked.’
    ‘Explain to him that we don’t
do
things, Stibbons,’ said the Lecturer in Recent Runes. ‘We are
academics
.’
    ‘Interestin’ idea, though,’ said Ridcully, winking at Ponder. ‘What
do
you do, Senior Wrangler?’
    A hunted look crossed the Senior Wrangler’s face. ‘Well, er,’ he said, clearing his throat. ‘The post of Senior Wrangler at Unseen University is, most unusually—’
    ‘Yes, but what do you
do
? And have you been doing more of it in the past six months than in the previous six?’
    ‘Well, if we’re asking
that
kind of question, Archchancellor, what do
you
do?’ said the Dean, testily.
    ‘I administer, Dean,’ said Ridcully, calmly.
    ‘Then we must be doing
something
, otherwise you’d have nothing to administrate.’
    ‘That comment strikes at the very heart of the bureaucratic principle, Dean, and I shall ignore it.’
    ‘You see, Mr Pessimal wonders why we don’t publish the results of, er, whatever it is we do,’ said Ponder.
    ‘
Publish
?’ said the Lecturer in Recent Runes.
    ‘
Results
?’ said the Chair of Indefinite Studies.
    ‘Ook?’ said the Librarian.
    ‘Brazeneck College publishes its
Journal of Irreducible Research
four times a year now,’ said Ponder meekly.
    ‘Yes. Six copies,’ said Ridcully.
    ‘No wizard worth his salt tells other wizards what he’s up to!’ snapped the Lecturer in Recent Runes. ‘Besides, how can you measure thinking? You can count the tables a carpenter makes, but what kind of rule could measure the amount of thought necessary to define the essence of tableosity?’
    ‘Exactly!’ said the Chair of Indefinite Studies. ‘I myself have been working on my Theory of Anything for fifteen years! The amount of thought that has gone into it is astonishing! Those six-seven pages have been hard won, I can tell you!’
    ‘And I’ve seen some of those Brazeneck papers,’ said Ridcully. ‘They’ve got titles like “Diothumatic Aspects of Cheese in Mice”, or possibly it was Mice in Cheese. Or maybe Chess.’
    ‘And what was it about?’ said the Dean.
    ‘Oh, I don’t think it was for reading. It was for having written,’ said the Archchancellor. ‘Anyway, no one knows what Diothumics is, except that it’s probably magic with the crusts cut off.’
    ‘Er … nevertheless, Mr Pessimal does point out that Brazeneck is attracting students, to the general benefit of the city,’ said Ponder. ‘In fact he suggests that we ourselves might even consider, er, advertising for students.’ He paused, because of the sudden frigid quality of the atmosphere, and plunged on: ‘In order to attract young men, in fact, who would not normally consider wizarding as a profession. He notes that Brazeneck gives all new students a free crystal ball and a voucher for a free frog or frog-like creature.’
    ‘Make