A Blink of the Screen

ourselves
attractive
to students?’ said the Archchancellor. ‘Mister Stibbons, the whole Idea of a university is that it should be
hard
to get into. Remember Dean Rouster? He used to set
traps
to stop students attending his lectures! “I’ll tap talent from all backgrounds”, he used to say, “but a lad who can’t spot a tripwire is no good to me!” He reckoned any student who didn’t open a door very carefully and look where he’s putting his feet would only be a burden to the profession. You see, trying to be nice to students means you end up with courses like Comparative Fretwork and graduates who think “thank you” is one word and can look at a sign sayin’ “Human Resources Department” without detecting a whiff of brimstone.’
    ‘I have to tell you, sir, that Mr Pessimal is suggesting that we accept an intake of forty per cent non-traditional students,’ said Ponder Stibbons.
    ‘What does that mean?’ said the Senior Wrangler.
    ‘Well, er …’ Ponder began, but the council had already resorted to definition-by-hubbub.
    ‘We take in all sorts as it is,’ said the Dean.
    ‘Does he mean people who are not
traditionally
good at magic?’ said the Chair of Indefinite Studies.
    ‘Ridiculous!’ said the Dean. ‘Forty per cent duffers?’
    ‘Exactly!’ said the Archchancellor. ‘That means we’d have to find enough clever people to make up
over half the student intake
! We’d never manage it. If they were clever already, they wouldn’t need to go to university! No, we’ll stick to an intake of one hundred per cent young fools, thank you. Bring ’em in stupid, send them away clever, that’s the UU way!’
    ‘Some of them arrive
thinking
they’re clever, of course,’ said the Chair of Indefinite Studies.
    ‘Yes, but we soon disabuse them of that,’ said the Dean happily. ‘What is a university for if it isn’t to tell you that everything you think you know is wrong?’
    ‘Well put, that man!’ said Ridcully. ‘Ignorance is the key! That’s how the Dean got where he is today!’
    ‘Thank you, Archchancellor,’ said the Dean. ‘I shall take that as a compliment. Carefully directed ignorance is the key to all knowledge.’
    ‘I think the inspector means people who by accident of birth, upbringing, background or early education would not meet the usual entrance requirements,’ said Ponder, quickly.
    ‘Really? Good idea,’ said Ridcully. ‘And are we to take it that for his part he intends to make a point of hiring clerks who aren’t very good at sums and file everything under “S” for “stuff “?’
    ‘He doesn’t appear to say so—’
    ‘How strange. But, you see, we’re a university, Mr Stibbons, not a bandage. We can’t just wave a magic wand and make everything better!’
    ‘Actually, sir—’
    Ridcully waved a hand irritably. ‘Yes, yes, all right, I know. We
can
just wave a magic wand and make everything better. Except, of course, that making everything better by magic only makes things much, much worse!’
    ‘Interestingly, he does ask if we have an ethics committee,’ said Ponder.
    ‘Ah, a
committee
,’ said Ridcully. ‘Just so. Well, gentlemen, I think I can gauge the sense of the meeting. I propose that we inform the inspector that we are giving his suggestions our urgent consideration. Put it on the agenda for this time next year, Mr Stibbons. No, perhaps the year after next. You can’t hurry urgency, I’ve always said so.’

MINUTES OF THE MEETING TO FORM THE PROPOSED ANKH-MORPORK FEDERATION OF SCOUTS

    A UGUST 2007
    This is, I think, what used to be called in Victorian times a ‘Squib’, and it was written for one of the events put on by Bernard Pearson (also known as the Cunning Artificer), who has his shop in Wincanton, Somerset: to ring the changes he organized a mock jamboree in the playing fields of that fine town in August 2007
.

    In his opening remarks, Captain Carrot referred to the current problem of delinquency of young people in the city, which has recently been the subject of many articles in the
Times
.
    Miss Partleigh interjected that this was because there was nothing for them to do.
    Lord Vetinari observed that in fact there was a vast range of things for them to do, running from petty theft to armed gang warfare, and that therefore the question was one of finding something for them to do that, if at all possible, did not actually involve the death of innocent, or presumably innocent, bystanders.
    Mr John Smith