A Blink of the Screen

ACCOMMODATE YOUR ‘NO’, THERE MUST BE ONE TO ACCOMMODATE YOUR ‘YES’ . B UT YOU SAID YOU WOULD NEVER COMMIT MURDER . T HE FABRIC OF THE COSMOS TREMBLES BEFORE YOUR TERRIBLE CERTAINTY . Y OUR MORALITY BECOMES A FORCE AS STRONG AS GRAVITY . And, thought Death, space certainly has a lot to answer for.
    ‘Was that sarcasm?’
    A CTUALLY, NO . I AM IMPRESSED AND INTRIGUED , said Death. T HE CONCEPT YOU PUT BEFORE ME PROVES THE EXISTENCE OF TWO HITHERTO MYTHICAL PLACES . S OMEWHERE, THERE IS A WORLD WHERE EVERYONE MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE, THE MORAL CHOICE, THE CHOICE THAT MAXIMIZED THE HAPPINESS OF THEIR FELLOW CREATURES . O F COURSE, THAT ALSO MEANS THAT SOMEWHERE ELSE IS THE SMOKING REMNANT OF THE WORLD WHERE THEY DID NOT …
    ‘Oh, come on! I know what you’re implying, and I’ve never believed in any of that Heaven and Hell nonsense!’
    The room was growing darker. The blue gleam along the edge of the Reaper’s scythe was becoming more obvious.
    A STONISHING , said Death. R EALLY ASTONISHING . L ET ME PUT FORWARD ANOTHER SUGGESTION: THAT YOU ARE NOTHING MORE THAN A LUCKY SPECIES OF APE THAT IS TRYING TO UNDERSTAND THE COMPLEXITIES OF CREATION VIA A LANGUAGE THAT EVOLVED IN ORDER TO TELL ONE ANOTHER WHERE THE RIPE FRUIT WAS .
    Fighting for breath, the philosopher managed to say, ‘Don’t be silly.’
    T HE REMARK WAS NOT INTENDED AS DEROGATORY , said Death. U NDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES, YOU HAVE ACHIEVED A GREAT DEAL .
    ‘We’ve certainly escaped from outmoded superstitions!’
    W ELL DONE , said Death. T HAT’S THE SPIRIT . I JUST WANTED TO CHECK .
    He leaned forward.
    A ND YOU ARE AWARE OF THE THEORY THAT THE STATE OF SOME TINY PARTICLES IS INDETERMINATE UNTIL THE MOMENT THEY ARE OBSERVED? A CAT IN A BOX IS OFTEN MENTIONED .
    ‘Oh, yes,’ said the philosopher.
    G OOD , said Death. He got to his feet as the last of the light died, and smiled.
    I SEE YOU …

A COLLEGIATE CASTING-OUT OF DEVILISH DEVICES

    T IMES H IGHER E DUCATION S UPPLEMENT
, 13 M AY 2005
    Well, they asked for it and they got it, because at that time there was some debate around issues to do with government money being given to universities and universities not being particularly happy about being told what to do by governments. Fortunately for Unseen University, they don’t have to ask
anybody
for
anything.
And only now can I reveal that this short passage owes a little something to the Thursday afternoon meetings I used to have when I was chairman of the Society of Authors, where I learned the importance of listening for the tea trolley and the etiquette of the chocolate biscuits, surely an essential component of real committee work
.
    It was a Thursday afternoon. Unseen University’s college council liked their Thursday afternoon meetings. The Council Chamber, with its stained-glass image of Archchancellor Sloman Discovering The Special Theory of Slood, was always nice and warm and there was a distant prospect of tea and chocolate biscuits at half-past three.
    Just as the biscuit hour approached, Archchancellor Mustrum Ridcully drummed his fingers on the battered leather of the table.
    ‘Next item, gentlemen,’ he said, ‘and it appears that Lord Vetinari, our
gracious
ruler, has seen fit to confront us with a little … test. Possibly we have annoyed him, in some way, committed some little faux pas—’
    ‘This is about Mayhap Street, isn’t it?’ said the Dean. ‘Still not turned up, has it?’
    ‘There is nothing the matter with Mayhap Street, Dean,’ said Ridcully sharply. ‘It is merely temporarily displaced, that’s all. I am assured the rest of the continuum will catch up with it no later than Thursday. It was an accident that was waiting to happen—’
    ‘Well, only waiting for a thaumic discharge that happened because you said there was no way it could possibly—’ the Dean began. He was clearly enjoying himself.
    ‘Dean! We are going to move on and put this behind us!’ Ridcully snapped.
    ‘Excuse me, Archchancellor?’ said Ponder Stibbons, who was Head of Inadvisably Applied Magic and also the University’s Praelector, a position interpreted at UU as ‘the one who gets given the tedious jobs’.
    ‘Yes, Stibbons?’
    ‘It may be a good idea to put it behind us
before
we move on, sir,’ said Ponder. ‘That way it will be further behind us when we do, in fact, move.’
    ‘Good point, that man. See to it,’ said Ridcully. He turned his attention once again to the ominous manilla folder in front of