A Song for Julia

whatever they’re looking for and this thing will end and I can come back home. And soon. But in the meantime, I want you all to watch out for each other, all right? No bullshit.”
    Tony leaned forward. “Jack, you’re making me want to cry little balls of syrup. Just shut the hell up and come home safe, all right?”
    “You got that right,” Dad said.
    After dinner, we settled into a serious game of Monopoly, until about eight, when Julia said, “I’ve really got to get going. Class in the morning.”
    She looked up at Dad and smiled, and he grinned back at her.
    “I’ll walk you out,” I said.
    “It’s not necessary,” she replied.
    “I want to.”
    She shook her head in a jerking motion.
    “Really,” I said. I fought to keep my voice firm. “I insist.”
    Rather than make a scene, she rolled her eyes. I’d take that as acceptance. So I got her coat and scarf, and she bundled up. Dad walked over to her and grabbed her in a bear hug. “You take care,” he said.
    She sniffed. “Be careful over there. Come home safe.”
    “Ah, none of that crying business.” He nudged a tear off her face with a knuckle. “I’m going to be just fine.”
    She nodded and turned toward the door. I opened it for her and walked outside. It was freezing. Her car was half a block down, pulled into one of the few spots. We walked beside each other, silently.
    About halfway to the car, I said, “I’ve got to say something, and you need to hear me out.”
    She winced and shook her head. “There’s nothing to say, Crank.”
    I took her arm and held her, my tone growing hard. “Maybe you’ve got nothing to say, but I do. And you owe me the courtesy to listen.”
    She froze, flint in her eyes as she spoke. “Take your hand off my arm.”
    I let go. “Two minutes. Just listen.”
    “I’m listening.” She didn’t look like she meant it. In fact, she looked so angry I thought she was going to hit me.
    I swallowed. “If what you need to be really happy … to be happy with who you are, to be … satisfied with your life … is to walk away, then I’ll accept it.”
    “What?”
    “Damn it, Julia. I don’t know how you’ve worked your way into me the way you have. But the fact is, I love you.”
    She flinched when I said the words.
    “It’s true,” I said. “I love you, and I want you to be happy, I want you to have the life you deserve. And if that means … if that means I have to stand here and watch you walk away, then I’ll do it. I won’t be happy about it. It’ll break my heart. But … if that’s what you really need, then we’re done.”
    She looked at me, her expression shifting, and I couldn’t figure out what was going on in there.
    “Before you go,” I said, “you need to know—I’d do anything for you.” I stepped closer, so close we were almost touching. “Even kiss you goodbye and watch you go.”
    And then I leaned forward and laid a gentle, almost chaste kiss on her lips. I stepped back. The confusion and fear on her face were at war with each other. I’d said what I needed to say. Maybe I’d planted a seed. Maybe I hadn’t. Only time would tell, and that hurt more than I’d ever imagined a woman could hurt me.
    Her eyes were watering, her face showing nothing but grief. Finally, she turned and without saying a word, slipped into her car and drove away, leaving me standing there alone.

CHAPTER TWENTY

    My sister’s hand (Julia)
    I made it two blocks from Jack’s house before I had to pull over. I was crying so hard I couldn’t see. I wanted nothing more than to drive back to tell Crank I was sorry, that I wanted to be with him, that I loved him, and that it had all been a huge mistake. I felt like I had a giant hole in my stomach, my vision was blurred and I couldn’t stop shaking.
    But I knew it wasn’t a mistake. The mistake had been letting him under my skin in the first place. I knew the day we met in Washington there was something about him that attracted me. That initial flush of lust and intrigue, however, had turned into much more. Watching him playing his guitar, eyes closed, lost in his music; watching him taking care of Serena and Mark and Pathin as if they were his kids; watching him protecting his brother. All of it made me feel an intense need to be with him, no matter the cost. Even if the cost was my autonomy, my self-control, my life.
    I couldn’t allow it to go any further. I was so perilously close.
    Close to losing myself.
    So, I pulled it