Abacus

crocodiles here? Where are we? How did we get here?” he desperately asked in a voice that now had a much higher pitch to it.
    “Well , Rod, do you remember the lovely dark-haired lass, you and your mate tried to screw?”
    “Yeah, yeah, I do remember her.”
    “Well , she is one of my disciples. She tricked you, introduced you to ‘Columbian Devil’s Breath,’ and handed you both over to me.”
    “ What breath?”
    “It’s a wild dru g new to the market. A bit like Rohypnol, only you look completely lucid while at the same time totally controlled by suggestion… but don’t feel too foolish, she is quite cunning and at the same time a tad nasty.”
    “Where are we? There’s no crocs for thousands of miles,” he said frantically.
    “Oh yeah, back to the croc s. Well, Rodney, it’s been a very long journey for you both in the boot of my car. We have travelled across the state border to now find ourselves in sunny Queensland, the home of the crocodilian.”
    The p resident quickly looked out into the billabong’s calm waters, then onto the muddy banks on both sides. Randall now had his full attention. “I’ve really had to call upon some intricate mathematical calculations to ensure everything goes very smoothly with this eradication.”
    “What eradicati on?” the watchful president asked.
    “Why , your eradication,” Randall said offhandedly, pulling an apple from his jacket pocket.
    Now looking totally freaked out by the thought of being dismembered alive the President begged, “Listen, Detective, I’m sorry, how about you let us go and we will forget everything.”
    “How about you just shut the fuck up until I finish my presentation , you rude bastard,” Randall said angrily.
    The p resident remained totally silent.
    “Anyway , I have studied the crocs here and they are really big bastards. The average size, I would say, is around three to four hundred kilograms. So it was a bit tricky trying to work out the most compatible rope to use. I’m not sure if you are aware,” he said, stopping to take a large bite from the apple, “but ‘salties’ have the strongest bite force of any animal on Earth, being three thousand seven hundred pounds per square foot. So in short, the rope connecting you two has a breaking strain of around three hundred and fifty kilograms. So when the croc starts chewing up your mate down there, you’d wanna hope they are able to pull the pieces off him before the rope breaks. I just hope for your sake I have the calculations right.”
    The p resident looked up at the rope again and followed its entire course.
    “But to be fair, I must warn you , I was never an outstanding maths student at school so who knows what will happen,” he said shrugging his shoulders apologetically.
    “You are fucking insane.” Looking down at his offsider he yelled hysterically, “Pete, Pete, fucking wake up, Pete. Pete, fuck, we are going to die.”
    “Don ’t worry,” Randall said calmly. “I’m sure he will come to before the action starts. I had to pump a little more ‘Rohy’ into him ’cause he is a fair bit bigger than you. So if you will let me finish,” Randall said impatiently, “the creativity of this setup is limitless. As pieces are chewed from Pete down there and his weight drops, he will rise up the tree as you slowly fall. Crocs are quite athletic, so eventually when they get to his upper torso, I have calculated that you will be well and truly within the munching zone. So not only do you get a front row seat of Pete being dismembered and chewed up, you will be eaten alive too.”
    With tear s streaming down his face, the president begged, “Fuck, I’m sorry, I’m sorry I did that to you and your family. I will pay anything, anything you want, I will do, just please, please let me down.”
    “Rod ney, listen. I’m not totally unreasonable. I think it is only fitting that I give you a sporting chance.”
    The forlorn president looked up optimistically, perhaps there was hope.
    “Look at the trunk just above you and you will see a pocket knife I have stabbed into the tree. It is all yours; you can pick that up at any time and cut yourself free, even save your mate. See the small pistol swinging off the handle of the knife. It is loaded, it has six bullets in it, you can pick it up, shoot at the crocs, even shoot me whenever you want.”
    The president looked at the weapons at his disposal, which were well within arm ’s reach but might as well have