Abacus

been a million miles away.
    “Trouble is you can’t pick them up, you r arms don’t work. But that won’t always be the case. You were injected about an hour ago, meaning you only have about five hours to go before the epidural wears off and you can move your arms again. The crocs will start looking for a feed near dusk, so it is going to be touch and go as to whether the crocs get you before the drug wears off.”
    “You won ’t get away with this, someone will come. Someone will help us.”
    “Rod, you need to focus on this. You are in the middle of bloody nowhere , we have driven for a day and a half. No one will come. Crocodile fucking Dundee wouldn’t find his way out of this place. It is just you versus the crocs, and they have been around for millions of years, so I’ll be putting my money on them to win this encounter.”
    “What about Pete, what happ ens to him?” the president asked hysterically.
    Randall looked down at t he unconscious Peter and sighed. “Well, unfortunately for Peter, he can’t win, he will die, but in some ways it is better for him.”
    “How could it be? ”
    “Pete doesn’t have to watch you torn apart alive before dying himself. It’s probably best to get it over quickly, you know.” Randall quickly looked out into the depths, causing the president’s head to also whip around. “Shit, was that movement I just saw in the water?” Randall asked with a concerned tone.
    “Where, where,” he asked , his eyes frantically darting back and forth.
    Randall laughed. “Only fucking with you, Rod, just fucking with you.”
    Picking up a handful of gumnuts and sprinkling them onto Peter’s head, Randall asked, “El Presidente, have you ever seen the documentaries where the crocs kill and dine. They do this whole amazing roll over thing. The roll over allows them to break off large pieces off buffalo and other carcasses. It is very interesting because they don’t really have arms to hold on and grab with, you know. When I was doing my calculations on weight it was hard to determine if Peter’s legs would be torn off at the knee or the hip. Obviously you would be hoping for the knee as it would buy you a little more time.”
    Randall looked down at Peter who was now starting to come to. “Do you know if Peter was a sportsman in his day? Did he play a bit of football?”
    “ I don’t know. Why?”
    “Oh well, footy players generally have bad knees, so it may be in your favour if his knees were a little weak and let go early. Then again, these big guys are bloody gluttons, so the shin alone may not be enough for a single helping.”
    Seeing Peter was coming to, Randall lowered himself down the tree, passing the limp president. “Where are you going,” he asked desperately.
    “Oh , I forgot to mention one thing, just to put things slightly in my favour. See that plastic bag down there near the water? I have a dead chicken and some chicken offal in it. When I hang the dead chook around his neck and spread the offal around, the crocs will come running, they just love poultry. I know it sounds a little unfair, but these are my rules. When you decided to play by your rules and involve my family, you made it personal.”
    “I’m truly sorry. Let’s sort this out.”
    Randall stopped and stared him in the eye, causing the president to look away. Prodding him in the chest, Randall warned, “There is no sorting this out, Rod. Think of all the evil bastards you have met in your life, and times them by ten and you are not even halfway to gauging what I am when provoked. As you will see.”
    As Randall got down off the tree he l ooked at the groggy, confused sergeant at arms Peter.
    “Where are we? What am I doing hanging here?” he asked.
    Randall looked up at the president. “Listen, I’m not going through it all again, you’ll have to explain it to him. It might be better coming from the president. You know, more formal.”
    Wa lking to the bank of the billabong, Randall could hear the pathetic, snivelling president explaining their predicament to his sergeant at arms. Randall picked up the smelly, bloodied bag, which was blackened from masses of frenzied blowflies. Walking back to the tree, he draped the chook around Peter’s neck and stood back to admire his handiwork. “There you go, Pete.”
    The sergeant at arms sprung to life. “Why fucking me, why put me down here to get eaten first.”
    Randall shook h is head. “Peter, don’t you worry. I don’t play