Again (Brandy Jeffus)

tightens up. Suddenly, I’m 18 again, back to the day when he proposed to me. My brain is screaming at me to stop, that I’m being ignorant, but my heart overrides its commands. His lips are so soft and he holds me tenderly. Our bodies melt against one another.
    It’s the best kiss I’ve had in a while.
    He pulls away and sighs, "Lord, have mercy; I've wanted to do that since I first saw you at the hospital. I'm sorry, I'm not trying to take advantage of you, and it just felt like the right thing -"
    I cut him off and kiss him again. This isn't just some guy. This is Eli. The same boy who took up for me on the playground at recess during the fourth grade. The one who told Steven Bowman to take a hike so he could dance with me. The one who held me while I cried on the day my parents got divorced. This was Eli, who in the 11th grade, tenderly and gently took the virginity that I gave to him and kissed my tears away when it was over.
    This kiss is more aggressive, hungrier than the previous. I take his head in both my hands while his hands move toward my hips. He leans back and pulls me onto his lap.
    When it’s over, I notice his eyes are misty, "What's wrong? Are you okay?" I ask.
    He smiles as he twirls a piece of my hair around his finger. My heart is still beating fast and he places his other hand over it. He finally nods in response.
    "I love you so damn much, Bonnie," Eli whispers, "I never thought I would be able to kiss you again. Not in a million years. I never thought it was going to happen." He leans forward and hugs me. "You, my dear, have made me a very happy man right now."
    "I love you, too, Eli. I never stopped." My confession is a whisper. I’m completely drained from the rollercoaster of emotions that has just taken place.
    We sit there for a while, me on his lap, cuddling together, kissing every now and then. His arms are strong, stronger than they used to be. I notice that he’s still using the same cologne that he did in high school. I want to stay like this forever.
    "How about you come with me to my house and let me change. Then we'll go to the store?" Eli asks. I nod and climb off of him.
    "You mean I get to ride in the cop car?" I ask playfully. Eli smiles back and cups my chin, another gesture from the past; one that always brought butterflies to my stomach.
    "Looks like it. I got to park it at the house and get the truck before we head off,” he says kissing my forehead.
    I check on Mama, who’s still sleeping and apply some fresh make up. We start down the sidewalk and instinctively I take Eli's hand. Out of the corner of my eyes I see him smile while he opens the door for me.
    I quiz Eli on all the gadgets in his patrol car. He laughs at my amazement of all the tech toys. All the tension from the previous hour has been completely erased.
    "You live in your Pops lake house?" I ask once I recognize the direction we’re headed. Eli nods.
    "Pops died a couple years ago and Gran said he had deeded the property to me while I was still in middle school. So I came out here, fixed it up a little and it's been home ever since," he looks sideways at me, "I hope its ok with you, going there. Since you know…" he trails off.
    He proposed to me at that house. With petals on the bed that spelled out, marry me? We danced to Michael Bolton's love song. That day had been one of the best of my life.
    "It’s ok. No worries," I assure him.
    "Bonnie, I loved every minute of what just happened at Miss Cindy’s. But I don't want to rush you into anything. I don't want you to do anything you don’t want to do. I know you just got out of that relationship with that guy and everything…" his voice trails off and I reach for his hand.
    “No worries, Elijah. You've always been such a worrier. I'm a grown ass woman and if I don't want to do something, please bet that I'll let you know," I take a breath and continue, "All those years with Mick were just empty. I cared about him, sure. But there was always something missing. Always something lacking and I never really found true happiness with him. Fun times, yes. Not real happiness though. You have always been a part of my life, even when we weren't together."
    I take a shaky breath, it was so freeing being able to admit that. I’ve never been truthful about Mick to anyone, let alone to myself.
    “I mean, you don't have to answer if you don't want to, but…I just don't know what we are right now, you know?" Eli says.
    "I don't think I'll ever be able