Alien in the Family

no.”
    “Easy way or hard way, Jeff.”
    “I don’t want you to shoot them. We don’t know what else they’re bringing.”
    “You mean besides stress and high blood pressure problems?”
    “Yeah.”
    “I won’t shoot them. They won’t kill me. Let me in. Please.”
    “Why?”
    White nodded to one of the security guys, and the door opened. “Miss Katt.”
    I detached from Martini and went in. Harlie went with me. “Dudes, nice to see you.” The door shut behind me. “Now, let’s cut the crap. You have no intention of approving me. I have no intention of passing your tests. So what is it you expect to get out of this whole ridiculous endeavor?”
    Bitch Leader came over to me. She was a lot bigger. “You insignificant peasant! How dare you—”
    “Blah, blah, blah. Heard it all before. I’m an American, you moron. We wrote the book on insignificant peasants making good. I’m also not an idiot. And I’m also not buying it.”
    I walked through them. There were exactly two who fit the mold. The one with the shiner and another guy. I pointed to them. “You two are the only actual A-Cs here. So, what, are the rest of you shapeshifters from Planet of the Really Pissed Off Amazons, also known as The Free, or are you some other delegation combo? ’Cause you’re not all from the same place my aliens call home.”
    They all looked at me in shock, Bitch Leader included. She recovered fastest. “How . . . how dare you insinuate—”
    “Stow it. I’m a human. Want to know the biggest way our A-Cs differ from humans? They are drop-freaking-dead gorgeous. My little friend over there with the black eye, and this other guy here, they’re pretty hot. The rest of you? Um, well, you’re not barking, but you’re not going to win any prizes against Jeff, Christopher, or the rest of the A-C gang.”
    “There is more to our culture than looks,” the guy with the black eye said.
    “Oh, right.” I slammed my open palm onto Bitch Leader’s chest. “One heart.” I walked around the room and did the same thing. None of them tried to stop me. “Okay, we have eight with two hearts, two with one, and icky, two with three hearts. I don’t even want to know. However, that means you’re not all from A-C.”
    I looked at the two with three hearts. They were both wearing really ugly matching necklaces. I pulled them off their necks and was faced with what looked like giant iguanas. Iguanas wearing stretchy body suits and standing on their hind legs, but still, iguanas. Giant iguanas that looked pissed off in the way only an iguana can.
    “Jeff?”
    “Yeah, baby.”
    “I’m not screaming because they’re sentient. But I’d really love it if you would, you know, set phasers on full or something.”
    “We do not kill except in battle,” Iguana Number One said to me.
    “Right. Talking is good. Our iguanas don’t talk. As a rule.”
    “We are not iguanas,” Iguana Number One said huffily. Iguana Number Two just glared at me.
    “Right. Komodo dragons?”
    “How dare you—” Bitch Leader was giving it a go again.
    “SHUT UP!” I couldn’t do the Martini bellow, but I was pretty good. They all cowered. “Aww, it’s okay, Harlie.” The poor little Poof was cowering, too. “I’m not mad at you. Unless you’re going to turn into something horrible. Then we might have to agree that I cook you.” I patted it gently. Harlie purred and rubbed against my hand.
    Bitch Leader lost it and lunged at me. As I jumped out of the way, Harlie leaped off my hand, gave a growl worthy of Martini, and turned into a much, much bigger Poof. A Poof with lots and lots of teeth. It had Bitch Leader in its jaws within moments. Then it turned to me and cocked its head. Its head was about double the size of its body. It looked like a fluffier bigheaded kitten with no ears or tail, only a kitten that could chomp a normal person in two with ease.
    “Ummm . . . first off, is Harlie a boy or a girl?”
    “They don’t have sex, per se,” the guy with the black eye said. “It’s going to kill her.”
    “I know. I wanted to be able to say good boy or girl as soon as Harlie’s done.”
    “We don’t want her dead.”
    “I do.” I looked at him. “So, let’s get this clear. You all come clean, right now, or I have Harlie the Attack Poof eat you. I’ll bet Harlie’s hungry, aren’t you, Harlie?” I cooed this last line. The Poof purred at me. It was a really loud purr now that it was Martini-sized.
    I felt something