All the Pretty Horses

I might look different or somethin. If God wanted me to be born I’d be born.
    And if He didnt you wouldnt.
    You’re makin my goddamn head hurt.
    I know it. I’m makin my own.
    They lay watching the stars.
    So what do you think? he said.
    I dont know, said Rawlins.
    Well.
    I could understand if you was from Alabama you’d have ever reason in the world to run off to Texas. But if you’re already in Texas. I don’t know. You got a lot more reason for leavin than me.
    What the hell reason you got for stay in? You think somebody’s goin to die and leave you somethin?
    Shit no.
    That’s good. Cause they aint.
    The door slammed. The voice called again.
    I better get back, Rawlins said.
    He rose and swiped at the seat of his jeans with one hand and put his hat on.
    If I dont go will you go anyways?
    John Grady sat up and put his hat on. I’m already gone, he said.
    H E SAW HER one last time in town. He’d been to Cullen Cole’s shop on North Chadbourne to get a broken bridlebit welded and he was coming up Twohig Street when she came out of the
    Cactus Drug. He crossed the street but she called to him and he stopped and waited while she came over.
    Were you avoiding me? she said.
    He looked at her. I guess I didnt have any thoughts about it one way or the other.
    She watched him. A person cant help the way they feel, she said.
    That’s good all the way around, aint it?
    I thought we could be friends.
    He nodded. It’s all right. I aint goin to be around here all that much longer.
    Where are you going?
    I aint at liberty to say.
    Why ever not?
    I just aint.
    He looked at her. She was studying his face.
    What do you think he’d say if he seen you standin here talkin to me?
    He’s not jealous.
    That’s good. That’s a good trait to have. Save him a lot of aggravation.
    What does that mean.
    I dont mean nothin. I got to go.
    Do you hate me?
    No.
    You dont like me.
    He looked at her. You’re wearin me out, girl, he said. What difference does it make? If you got a bad conscience just tell me what you want me to say and I’ll say it.
    It wouldnt be you saying it. Anyway I dont have a bad conscience. I just thought we could be friends.
    He shook his head. It’s just talk, Mary Catherine. I got to get on.
    What if it is just talk? Everything’s talk isnt it?
    Not everything.
    Are you really leaving San Angelo?
    Yeah.
    You’ll be back.
    Maybe.
    I dont have any bad feelings against you.
    You got no reason to.
    She looked off up the street where he was looking but there wasnt much to look at. She turned back and he looked at her eyes but if they were wet it was just the wind. She held out her hand. At first he didnt know what she was doing.
    I dont wish you anything but the best, she said.
    He took her hand, small in his, familiar. He’d never shaken hands with a woman before. Take care of yourself, she said.
    Thank you. I will.
    He stood back and touched the brim of his hat and turned and went on up the street. He didnt look back but he could see her in the windows of the Federal Building across the street standing there and she was still standing there when he reached the corner and stepped out of the glass forever.
    H E DISMOUNTED and opened the gate and walked the horse through and closed the gate and walked the horse along the fence. He dropped down to see if he could skylight Rawlins but Rawlins wasnt there. He dropped the reins at the fence corner and watched the house. The horse sniffed the air and pushed its nose against his elbow.
    That you, bud? Rawlins whispered.
    You better hope so.
    Rawlins walked the horse down and stood and looked back at the house.
    You ready? said John Grady.
    Yeah.
    They suspect anything?
    Naw.
    Well let’s go.
    Hang on a minute. I just piled everthing on top of the horse and walked him out here.
    John Grady picked up the reins and swung up into the saddle. Yonder goes a light, he said.
    Damn.
    You’ll be late for your own funeral.
    It aint even four yet. You’re early.
    Well let’s go. There goes the barn.
    Rawlins was trying to get his soogan tied on behind the saddle. There’s a switch in the kitchen, he said. He aint to the barn yet. He might not even be goin out there. He might just be gettin him a glass of milk or somethin.
    He might just be loadin a shotgun or somethin.
    Rawlins mounted up. You ready? he said.
    I been ready.
    They rode out along the fenceline and across the open pastureland. The leather creaked in the morning cold. They pushed the horses into a lope.