Always Watching

at the center, and his mental health, but Tammy answered that question with her next sentence.
    “Something was wrong with him. He’d always been kind of creepy, but he was ranting, saying crazy stuff. Like that if we didn’t recant our stories, the Light was going to punish us. We were scared he was going to hurt us, so we told the police we’d made it up. Nicole was still freaked-out and went back.”
    “But you didn’t?”
    “I’d met my husband by then. He saw Joseph outside my house one day and told him that he’d kill him if he came near me again. We didn’t hear from him after that.”
    I remembered when my father had shown up to claim us. It seemed like they were all for pressuring people until there were any confrontations with angry fathers or husbands. They were careful to fly under the radar.
    Tammy’s tone had been proud, happy to have a protective husband, but then it changed to sad as she said, “It’s hard, not being able to talk to Nicole or anything. She was my best friend.”
    I gave her a sympathetic smile, and said, “I imagine you miss her a lot.” I waited a moment, then asked, “Did you ever see Aaron with other girls?”
    She nodded. “Sometimes he’d be really nice to a new girl and ignore me or Nicole so we’d know what he was probably doing. But the weird thing is I’d be jealous, like it meant I wasn’t special anymore or something.”
    “It’s normal to want to feel special, but that doesn’t mean that you wanted his sexual attention. You shouldn’t feel ashamed of those feelings.”
    Tammy looked a little relieved. “I think sometimes that’s why Nicole went back. She wanted to be there, where that stuff was normal, because then she didn’t feel so weird about it. Out here, she felt more ashamed … and dirty.”
    I felt sad, thinking of this young girl struggling on her own with these emotions. “Some people have difficulty adjusting to a new environment with less structure, where no one is telling you what to say or do all the time, especially without your family and friends for support. That may be another reason Nicole chose to go back.”
    “It was tough sometimes. I’d remember how scary Joseph looked, and I’d have nightmares about him showing up to take me back. I still do.” She even glanced at her door, like he might hear her speaking his name.
    I said, “Was Joseph ever violent at the commune? Or what about Aaron, if someone did something wrong, or wanted to leave?”
    “Not that I remember…” She squinted, thinking back. “The counselors just consult with Aaron, then he takes that person for an adjustment.”
    “Who are the counselors?”
    “Members who’ve been there a long time,” she said. “They’re sort of like our mentors, and they helped us when we were having problems. Sometimes they told us how to help the other members. Mostly, if someone did something wrong in meditation, like drank water early or went to the bathroom, we weren’t allowed to talk to them.”
    “Did anyone else ever try to leave? How did you get out?”
    “We worked at the store and made some friends on the outside. We were scared because when other people had moved out, Aaron said that terrible things happened to them on the outside, like car accidents and violent crimes, or getting some bad illness. And the ones who came back said that things were harder on the outside. Like they had no money and couldn’t get a job—a lot of them would start doing drugs again. They’d come back all messed up.” She was quiet.
    “What if anyone got sick?”
    “We weren’t allowed medication, but everyone smoked marijuana. We weren’t supposed to talk about that with anyone who just came to retreats, only people who became full members. He said outsiders wouldn’t understand.”
    I nodded, thinking over everything.
    She said, “Now that you’ve told the police your story, are they going to arrest him?”
    “They interviewed him, but without more witnesses, they can’t lay charges.” I explained the process.
    Her face dropped, surprised and disappointed. “So nothing’s going to happen?”
    “Not unless more people share their stories. If you wanted to reopen your case, now might—”
    “No.” She’d started shaking her head. “I’m not going through all of that again. Their questions, it was brutal. My parents … they’d never forgive me.”
    “I understand how it can feel as though you’re the one who’s done something wrong. But if