Apocalypsis 04 - Haven

I felt like I was walking a high wire, ready to fall to the ground from really high up. It was dizzying and terrifying. I realized in that moment that I was more confident dealing with a hungry canner than a boyfriend with hurt feelings.
    He shrugged once more, looking out into the distance. “I could tell you dat I luff you, no matter what you do.”
    My heart soared for a brief moment - the period of time before he finished his thought.
    “But dat would not be entirely honest. I want it to be da truth, but it is not.” He looked at me again. “I find dat I can luff you if you are luffing me too. But if you do not luff me, den to be with you is just the pain for me. Just the pain. My world hass enough pain for me right now, even without you. If you bring pain to me, it is too much. Too much for Bodo.”
    Tears rushed to my eyes. I looked away from him to stare at the ground, trying to get myself under control. “I understand. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to bring you pain.”
    He reached out and patted me on the shoulder, which only made me cry more.
    “I know dat. It wass only a kiss, and you thought I was deadt. Dat’s normal. I know dat.”
    I was so confused now, I didn’t know what to think. I looked up at him as I wiped the tears off my face. “I don’t get it. Are you breaking up with me or not?”
    He smiled humorlessly, staring at me for a few long moments before looking away. “I don’t know what I’m sayingk. Dis iss a complicated life we haff, isn’t it?”
    I huffed out a frustrated breath. “You’re not kidding.”
    “No, I am not kidding. Da problem for me is dat Paci is here. If he wass in da swamp, maybe I could chust be a guy and be Mr. Bryn. But now, when I see his face, I just want to punch him very hardt. Veeeery, very hardt. Until I make him bleeding. Dat is a problem for me. Dat is a problem.”
    I nodded. “Yes. You can’t do that. You can’t punch him in the face. But not because I’m protecting him, but because it’s a bad precedent to start here … physical violence I mean. We have to show everyone we can resolve our problems with talking.”
    He looked at me, smiling bitterly. “Dat is an interesting plan comingk from you, Bryn.”
    He seemed mad, but I ignored that emotion and stayed as neutral as possible, even though it made me want to cry. “The way I fight is designed to be defensive, not offensive. Yes, I go for the eyes or balls right off the bat, but that’s only to stop the fight in its tracks. I’m not a violent person.”
    “No, you are not. I know dat.” He turned and began walking around behind me, headed towards the prison entrance.
    “Where are you going?” I asked, feeling suddenly all alone and abandoned.
    “To eat my breakfast and to get ready to transport dose bodies to da grave.” He didn’t look back, he just kept walking.
    “So where does this leave us?” I shouted at him.
    He threw up his arms, but said nothing.
    I picked up a rock and threw it as hard as I could out into the open space on the side of the building. It sailed over the weeds and finally landed about thirty yards away, quickly disappearing in the tall weeds near the back of the building.
    I didn’t know who to be mad at, Bodo or myself. I knew I was to blame for what I did, but I also felt like I had an excuse. As soon as I started thinking of that excuse though, I felt guilty that I’d kissed another boy so soon after thinking my boyfriend might be dead. There was no winning for me in this situation.
    “Love sucks ,” I said out into the air.
    I didn’t receive an answer back. Not that I had expected to, but it would have been nice.
    As I trudged back through the sandy, weed-covered ground, I thought about my dad, imagining us doing a workout and discussing my current situation. What should I do, Dad? What’s the solution to this problem?
    The answer didn’t come to me in his voice, but it came to me nonetheless. Accept what you cannot change. Have the courage to change the things you can. Be smart enough to recognize the difference.
    Bodo needed time to figure out what he wanted to do about us, and we had time in spades. Now I just had to keep myself so busy, I wouldn’t have a moment to think about how my heart was breaking in half.
    ***
    It took a group of ten kids and me about six hours, but we finally moved all the ashes and bone out of the crematorium fridge and into the pit we’d dug the day before. Kids who hadn’t taken part in the actual