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being in a dream when you’re running but your legs feel heavy and sluggish and you never get anywhere. He had the same feeling in his daily life. He had no energy for anything except what was absolutely necessary. Lina had also pointed out that he had gotten quieter and duller, as she put it. She sometimes asked him why he couldn’t be happier. Knutas had no good answer to the question.

FRIDAY, JULY 30
    IT WAS FRIDAY night, and Johan and Pia were finished with their evening report. Johan was eager to leave the editorial office. He was going over to Emma’s house, and she had asked whether he’d like to stay overnight. As if she even had to ask.
    She was going to cook dinner for him since he wouldn’t be able to get away until around seven. Sara and Filip were staying with their father, and Johan thought that was just as well. They didn’t need to do everything at once.
    In the car on his way to Roma, he imagined how it would be to live in that house and drive home like this after work every day.
    Home to Emma and the children. He was surprised at how wonderful he thought that would feel. To be part of a family. For someone like him who had lived all these years alone, it was a new feeling. Of course, he’d had some long-term relationships when he had practically lived with a girlfriend for certain periods of time, but it was never the real thing. He’d never shared a home with anyone else. And with the baby it was an even bigger deal. Something entirely different.
    The idea of sharing his daily life with Emma in a real way appealed to him more than he ever could have imagined. He heard the clinking sound as the wine bottles in their state liquor store bags rolled back and forth. His stomach was growling. His mouth watered as he thought about the food that would be waiting for him on the table when he arrived. He had been longing so much to spend more time with Emma. To sleep with her and wake up together.
    He automatically pressed harder on the gas pedal. Hopefully Elin would be awake so that he could hold her for a while before she went to sleep for the night.
    Full of anticipation, he rang the doorbell, hiding behind his back the flowers he had bought.
    When the door opened, he felt as if he’d been punched in the face. Emma was not the one standing there; it was her ex-husband. In his arms he held a howling and coughing Filip, whose face was purple with exertion.
    “Hi. Come in.”
    “Hi.”
    Johan stepped into the hallway, feeling like an idiot.
    “Congratulations, by the way. She’s beautiful.” Olle tipped his head toward the back of the house.
    For a moment Johan wasn’t sure whether he meant Emma or Elin. “Thanks.”
    Emma appeared in the doorway. She gave Johan a quick hug and handed the baby to him. He still felt as if he were standing there with his mouth open, a little like a fish gasping for air. He didn’t understand a thing.
    “Things are kind of a mess. Filip has a terrible attack of the croup, and we have to take him to the ER. I can’t take Elin along. One of us has to drive and the other has to hold Filip when he has a coughing fit. You’ll have to take care of Elin and Sara. But I’ve used the breast pump, so there’s milk that you can heat up in the microwave. Sara hasn’t had any dinner, either. I’ll call you from the ER. Bye.”
    Before Johan had time to react, Emma, Olle, and Filip had disappeared down the gravel path. He stood there at a loss, staring after them as the car roared off.
    Consequently, the night turned out a lot different than he had expected. Instead of enjoying a dinner with a bottle of good wine and having a romantic evening with Emma, he was left alone with the children for the first time.
There’s no problem with Elin, but what the hell am I going to talk about with an eight-year-old?
he thought a bit desperately as his stomach churned with hunger. He put Elin in the baby buggy, which stood in the hallway, and she promptly started to howl.
    “Just for a little while, sweetie,” he assured her as he felt the first signs of a headache. In the fridge he found a plastic bag with something he guessed was marinated chicken breasts, but he had no idea what to do with them . There wasn’t much else. The same thing with the freezer. What were they going to eat? They had to have food. He took out a little plastic package containing breast milk and put it in the microwave to thaw it out. He called Sara but got no response, so he picked up Elin and