Behind the Albergue Door: Inspiration Agony Adventure on the Camino de Santiago

isn’t nearly punishment enough. You really should add sleepless nights, lack of privacy and practically unbearable smells to the list. Just sayin’.
    Rules for Communal Living
    1. Ear Plugs
    2. Ear Plugs
    3. Ear Plugs
    I cannot stress enough how important it is to carry several pairs of good ear plugs. Unless you are one of those people who can sleep through just about anything, such as barking dogs, traffic noise, or the conception of your third child, you are going to thank your lucky stars every time you stuff those greasy little nubs back into your ears and give yourself at least some hope of a tranquil night’s sleep. Of course, no ear plug is perfect. I prefer the spongy flesh coloured ones because I can stuff them way down into my ear canals (three out of five ear, nose and throat doctors just shuddered) but for some reason this type won’t stay in Laynni’s ears at all (something to do with head shape and a dislike for team sports, I suspect) so she uses the hard wax ones. Either way, the trick is to find a pair that works for you and use them… all… the… time. Sometimes I’d even put them in during dinner, depending on the company, and quite often whenever I found myself brushing my teeth near an Italian on the toilet. Of course, there is no way to keep out all noise save for pouring an entire melted candle into your ears or leaving your ear drums at home for safekeeping. There are just certain dog’s barks that have exactly the right pitch to pierce through any protection, and certain snores that simply won’t be denied, usually that really deep rumble that causes ominous ripples in your water bottle and makes your testicles tremble uncomfortably. After nights like those you’ll probably prefer to keep your dreams to yourself…
    4. Leave your privacy at the door
    Don’t worry, it will have plenty of company, such as the skin off your feet and your will to live. And the sooner you get used to the fact you no longer have “your own space”, and that it is no longer acceptable to sit on the couch and “pluck ingrown pubic hairs” the easier you will find the whole transition to eating, sleeping, changing, packing and scratching in close proximity to perfect strangers. Of course, after a couple days they will no longer be complete strangers but will have graduated to that elite group of “people who know you have holes in your underwear”. Even among friends, however, it is only a matter of time before you grow quite weary of listening to other people poop.
    5. Be very careful about when and where you masturbate
    It doesn’t matter how often, or loudly, you scream “It’s natural! Everybody does it! Natural!” , that old Austrian florist and her thirteen-year old granddaughter are going to keep being real bitches about it.
    6. Bring along some comfortable “lounging” pants
    You are rarely going to find the opportunity to wash your hiking pants, meaning that by day 4 you won’t want them any closer to your sleeping bag than you would that Portuguese guy’s ringworm, and by day 10 they’ll be stiffer than a Gap mannequin’s navy blue Dockers.
    Also, as dumb as it may look, you may want to make sure they are short enough to not touch the ground. There are liquids you don’t want to even think about puddled in those bathrooms, just waiting to explore the hem of your pants.
    In general, you need to put some serious thought into your overall lounging attire. We saw every variation of evening wear from a woman in just a t-shirt, smiling sheepishly as she desperately tugged it down over as much of her ass as possible, to an uncomfortably modest man lying board-stiff on top of his sleeping bag in full hiking regalia, boots included. You’d rather not be either one of them.
    7. Flip flops
    First of all, you will quickly develop a love-hate relationship with your hiking shoes every bit as unhealthy and passive-aggressive as the one you’ve had with your new stepmom ever since you felt each other up in the closet at last year’s Grey Cup party. So you will need something different to put on your feet when you’re done hiking. Second of all, the floors of these albergues are virtual land mines of unappealing refuse, hastily discarded underwear and mysterious dampness.
    8. Practice shitting quietly
    Almost none of the bathrooms are private, and a lot are unisex which, for some reason, always makes me even less comfortable making all those unpleasant noises. It’s not like there is any