Behind the Albergue Door: Inspiration Agony Adventure on the Camino de Santiago

more chance of romantic involvement with that 67 year old nun brushing her teeth outside my stall than there is with the bearded 24 year old French biker waiting his turn, yet somehow knowing a woman was listening made me shy. Shitting shy, not first date shy. You know the difference.
    9. Avoid the old men
    Old men are disgusting. Wait, let me re-phrase that. Old men are disgusting . Smells, sounds, saggy underwear, and how the hell can it take that long to shower? And what is with all the grunting in there? And why does it sound exactly the same as when they are taking a dump? Or eating? Anyway, I understand that I’m rapidly approaching the ill-fated “old man” category myself, but that is precisely why I feel as though I am qualified to expound on the topic. Because I can see myself getting progressively more disgusting each year, and it makes me frightened for the future. A new hair here, a strange bowel mix-up there, a weird armpit smell that seems like it might be new. It’s all very disturbing. At least I haven’t taken up snoring… yet. But based on the evidence it has to be coming sooner or later. The point is, whenever you have a choice – avoid them! Don’t choose the bunk above them, don’t pick a room full of them, don’t rush into the bathroom stall they just vacated, don’t go to the bathroom at 3 am because you’re bound to cross paths with at least one, and certainly don’t let them touch your food. They can be perfectly pleasant hiking companions, or funny people who have great stories to share over dinner, and often the most considerate when it comes to splitting a bowl of complimentary bread in a fair and equitable manner. You just don’t want to live with them.
    10. Charge your electronics whenever you get the chance
    Pretty much every albergue had electrical outlets that could be used to charge phones, iPods, etc. (for a detailed discussion on whether or not to bring such things see the chapter on Packing and Advice ) The problem is there are usually far fewer outlets than there are items that need charging (iPhones seem particularly high maintenance in this regard) so it is a good idea to make sure everything you have is fully charged any time you have access to a free outlet. I never saw anyone grumpier than when their iPod ran out of juice with two hours to go and they were suddenly forced to listen to the life story of the English major from Massachusetts who used to work at Starbucks, and you’d never believe all the interesting people he met there, and has become, if he does say so himself, one of the foremost authorities on Brazilian politics, and trust me, it always comes down to Brazilian politics. Again.
    11. Learn to recognize the sound of all the different bodily functions
    Just to pass the time, mainly.
    12. Brace yourself for the night terrors
    I don’t know exactly what causes them, or why they seem to be so much more prevalent in situations where people routinely subject themselves to many, many hours of pain voluntarily each day, but I can tell you that it scared the shit out of me the first time I was startled awake by one of our roommates thrashing and yelling like a snake had made it into their sleeping bag and was scouting around in the vicinity of their underwear. And the second time. The third time wasn’t as bad, but I still squirted a little surprise! piss into my freshly laundered underwear, which I wasn’t too happy about. By the fourth time I think I was subconsciously starting to expect it and it just made me a bit grumpy until I fell back asleep. By the end, though, we had pools going, and had started screwing with people by lying to them about things they screamed in the night, like having sex with their aunt Gloria and making her promise to keep it quiet, or bragging about fitting two apples in their mouth at the same time.
    13. Learn to pack in the dark
    Every now and then all the stars would align and everyone in the room would suddenly blink to life at the same time, as though we were all robots programmed to travel as a solid, unthinking mass of aches, pains and petulant complaints. On those rare mornings the lights could be turned on without fear of retribution and it was suddenly much easier to pack our bags, mentally prepare and spend some time quietly sobbing about the day ahead. But you will rarely be that lucky. How they can still be sleeping after going to bed at 8 pm may be a mystery, but assuming you possess basic social niceties,