Behind the Albergue Door: Inspiration Agony Adventure on the Camino de Santiago

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    19. Learn to love sleeping on plastic sheets
    Not only are they terrific protection against exhaustion and wine-induced bed-wetting, but they are the best defense against bed bugs this side of a military-grade titanium exoskeleton. So before you get all up in arms focusing on the negatives – these beds make too much noise, these sheets keep sticking to my anus, this plastic isn’t aesthetically pleasing – remember that even though they may be really uncomfortable and every time you roll over you sound like an ashamed kid sneaking a bag of chips out behin d the outhouse at fat camp, they are there for your own good. When you find yourself getting irritated, or having doubts about where the urine will go if you do happen to pee a little, just remember that the very bed you are lying in may have, just yesterday, been occupied by that limpy Dutch guy with the eye patch that smelled like spam and flaking skin. Or a rat.
    Unfortunately, although these tightly sealed plastic mattress shells were quite common early on , they started disappearing somewhere around the Meseta, and by the time we reached Galicia were nowhere to be found. The trade-off, of course, was that there were a lot more instances of bed bugs. Go figure. And don’t be fooled by those disposable sheets sold by some of the albergues, presumably to guard against anything that has difficulty navigating past a flimsy bit of fabric thin enough to see through that most resembles a large fabric softening sheet with an elastic around it. Great if your biggest concern is static cling.
    Anyway, if you think getting a taste for the feel of grabby plastic rubbing uncomfortably against your bare skin sounds unpleasant, I would suggest practicing ahead of time. Maybe get your brother to give you a massage while wearing gardening gloves, or spend some time at the local playground naked but for a long trench coat.
    20. Train yourself to take a dump in fifteen seconds or less
    In the apparent interest of saving miniscule fractions of pennies every time a guest pilgrim heads in for a bowel movement, many albergues have installed timed lights in the bathrooms which, in my experience, tended to vastly underestimate the time necessary to complete the job in an effective and hygienic manner. At least most of them are motion-activated so it is possible to extend your time now and then by waving your hands around like some kind of parade queen, or your mom’s cousin trying to get your attention as you slink out of the X-rated section at Blockbuster.
    21. Work on “shooting daggers with your eyes”
    Call it what you will – “dirty look”, “if looks could kill”, “eyeball bludgeoning” – but it is imperative that you cultivate an alarming and effective nasty look to deal with the inevitable dirtbags of the albergue circuit. You know:
    The acned German kid that spends four hours hogging the free computer to look at beach photos of his cousin and her friends on Facebook.
    The really big Norwegian guy who, until recently, always had a woman to clean up after him which probably explains the current state of the communal kitchen.
    The obnoxious American woman loudly berating the hospitalero for the way she speaks English with such a strong accent.
    The Australian woman disparaging people staying in hotels as “not real pilgrims” while firming up her plans to take a bus across the Meseta because her skin is very sensitive to the sun.
    The self-satisfied Irishman who claims to normally do 55 kilometres per day, but can’t seem to lift the toilet seat before he pisses.
    The long-haired Canadian guy pushing your clothes into a bunch at the end of the clothes line because he really needs his stuff to dry.
    The Spaniard with the sleep apnea mask who smells like untended meat and doesn’t believe in flushing after he shits.
    The American woman who doesn’t speak a word of Spanish causing a scene and threatening to change albergues because she “doesn’t feel wanted”.
    22. Stop sweating so much
    It is simple math. The more you sweat, the more you stink, the more often you need to brave the dingy dorm showers and the more often you need to scrub your underwear in the sink. Mind you, I don’t sweat all that much, yet I still found showering at the end of every day’s hike to be a useful exercise. Laynni, on the other hand, tended to be more discerning about extravagances like showering, by day 9 even coming to the conclusion that “only seventeen