Bite Me

me.”
    And he’s all, “No, I’d have to have some of their blood in me, and I was careful not to even get any on me.”
    Then all of a sudden there’s a stream of mist comingup my boot (I was wearing my red Docs) and a little head starts to appear out of it.
    Then Foo snags a tennis racket from, like, out of nowhere and smacks the rat head, which goes flying across the room and hits the wall, trailing like a comet tail of mist.
    I know! A tennis racket. WTF?
    So I’m all, “Where did you get a tennis racket? Is that a secret thing with you?”
    “Missing the point,” sings Jared, like I’m totally missing the point. “Hello? We need to be freaked out that they’re going to eat us, Nurse Oblivious.”
    And right then the mist starts taking form again and coming at me, and Foo bats another half-mist rat across the room.
    So I’m all, “Okay, good point. What are we going to do?” And I, like, gesture at the button on my sun jacket, because Foo has replaced the battery, which is out of a laptop, and I’m ready to toast some rodents.
    And Foo’s all, “No, not yet. We have to figure out a way to study them. I need to turn them back to rats. And I have to figure out how this mist is manifesting. I mean, technically, it’s not possible.”
    And I’m like, “You mean it’s magic?”
    “I mean I’ve never even heard of anything like it in nature.”
    “Like magic.”
    He’s like, “There’s no such thing as magic.”
    I’m like, “The Countess said it was magic.”
    He’s like, “My grandmother thinks the microwave is magic.”
    So I’m all, “It’s not?”
    And Foo’s all, “Magic is just science we don’t understand yet.”
    So I’m all, “Told you.”
    And he like sighs all heavy and does his exasperated science face at me, and he’s like, “We have to get them back in their cages. They can’t feed when they are in mist form, so we just need to get them feeding and then we can catch them and put them in the cages.”
    And I’m like, “Can you believe that Tommy couldn’t learn to turn to mist in five weeks and your rats did it, like, overnight? He must be a total tard.”
    “Or we have genius rats,” goes Jared, just as Foo is tennis racketing another rat head off his leg.
    So I’m all, “Nope, I don’t think that’s it. Why don’t you just put out a little dish of blood and when they turn solid to drink it you can just tennis racket them into a box?”
    “We tried that. They figured it out,” goes Foo.
    And Jared’s all, “See. Genius rats.”
    Then, to Foo, I’m all, “He has a thing for rats.”
    Foo’s like, “Yeah. I got that. They turn back to solid when exposed to UV light, too, but then they start burning.”
    Then Jared’s like, “Once, when Lucifer 2 got stuck in a drain pipe in our garage, we sucked him out with my dad’s Shop Vac.”
    And Foo’s like, “That’s it. We can suck them up with a Shop Vac.”
    So I’m like, “That will just blow the mist out the other side?”
    “I can put a really weak UV LED in the barrel of the Shop Vac. Maybe that will be enough to turn them solid without burning them. I’ll experiment a little while you’re gone.”
    And I’m all, “Foo, you know it makes me hot when you talk all nerdy, but what do you mean, while I’m gone?”
    And he’s all, “To get the Shop Vac. We don’t have a Shop Vac.”
    So I look at Jared, all wobbly-assed on my Skankenstein ® boots, so he’s useless, and I’m like, “Well, I’m not dragging a Shop Vac back on the bus or the F car. Give me your car keys.”
    And Foo’s, like, big “OH NOEZ” mouth and anime eyes, like, “Whaaaaa?”
    And I’m like, “Unless you really do love your car more than me.”
    And he’s like, “’Kay.” And hands them over. Which, as it turns out, was really poor judgment on his part.
    More L8z. Gotta jet. The tow truck is here.
    ’Kayso, it turns out that driving an actual car is way harder than it is in Grand Theft Auto: Zombie Hooker Smackdown. Even though there was only, like, minor damage, it could have been totally avoided if you didn’t have to shift so much. Everything was good going to get the ShopVac, because I only used first and second gear. It was coming home, when I started feeling confident and decided to see if there was a third gear, that it went kind of wrong. Still, all the screaming and crying on Foo’s part was kind of over-emo, considering that after the tow truck lowered the Honda, you couldn’t even see