Coda 01 - Promises

wrong?”
“I just wanted to see you.”
    That made me relax a little, but I knew there was something else going on. “That’s all?”

    He nodded but didn’t say anything, and he was still staring down at the floor.

    I walked closer, and he tensed up a little, like he might bolt if I made any sudden movements. “Matt, look at me.”
    It took him a second, like he had to work up his nerve, but when he glanced up at me, I saw it in his eyes. He was barely holding himself together. Coming to me hadn’t been a whim. It had been an act of desperation. He didn’t just want to see me; at that moment, he actually needed me, although he could never have said it. He looked sad and terrified and lost. I could tell he was embarrassed for me to see him this way but desperate for me to help him somehow.
    I went to him, put my arms around him, and he grabbed on to me like he was drowning and buried his face in my shoulder. He was shaking, his breathing ragged, and I thought he might be crying but trying hard not to. At that moment, I hated Joseph more than I ever had before. I hated that he could break Matt, who was usually so strong and confident, in only a few short days. I don’t know how long we stood like that—several minutes at least. I just held him, rubbing his back and shoulders a little, making calming sounds until his breathing was steady again, and he finally relaxed.
    “I’m sorry, Jared,” he whispered.

    “Shhh. Don’t be silly. You have nothing to apologize for.” I kissed the top of his head. “What happened?”
    “Nothing, really. I’m just losing my fucking mind.” He laughed, but it was harsh and humorless. “I can’t stand it. I can’t stand him .” He took a couple of deep breaths, and then said, in something closer to his normal voice, “I miss you. I hate that we have to be apart right now.”
    “Me too. Why don’t you come over tonight? They don’t have to know.”

    “I’m on nights this week.”
    So he was working nights and spending the days with his parents and probably barely sleeping in the meantime. That explained a lot about his present state of mind.
    He pulled back, stood up, and turned away from me. Even with his back to me, I could see him putting himself back together, wiping his eyes, standing straighter, squaring his shoulders, putting on that carefully controlled, guarded expression. “He’s drinking, Jared. A lot. And he never knows when to keep his mouth shut. This is the worst it’s ever been.”
    Just then, Lizzy poked her head around the corner. “Can I come in?” she asked quietly. “I’m sorry to interrupt, but I need to get into the safe.”
    Matt took a deep breath and then turned around. He was still tense, but he had most of his usual confidence back. To anybody else, he probably looked as calm and in control as ever. But I could still see the anger and sadness in his eyes. “It’s okay, Lizzy.”
    She headed for the safe but watched him out of the corner of her eye the whole time. She got what she needed out of the safe and started out but then stopped and turned to him.
    “How bad is it, Matt?”
He shrugged. “Pretty bad.”
    She thought about it for a minute, and then said, “Why don’t you all come to dinner on Christmas?”

    “No.” He shook his head. “I couldn’t do that to you. Not after the way he behaved last time.”
    She walked over to him and put a hand on his arm, looking way up into his eyes. “Matt, you’re family now. You should be with us on Christmas. And if that means we have to put up with your father, then we will.”
    He looked at the floor, then glanced at me, and then at her. “He doesn’t know….”
    “I figured as much. We’ll be careful.”
“Really?” He sounded hopeful.
“Really.”
    He smiled and hugged her, much more gently than he ever hugged me. She looked so tiny in his arms. “Thanks, Lizzy.” She started to head back out, but he said, “Oh, Lizzy, one more thing?”
    “Yes.”

    “Jared can’t cut his hair. I wouldn’t have anything to hang on to. It gives me good leverage.”
    I had never seen Lizzy turn quite so red so fast. I knew I was blushing too. Matt laughed at us both. And hearing his laugh at that moment was worth all the embarrassment in the world.
I WAS in the kitchen with Mom and Lizzy when Matt and his parents arrived on Christmas day. Matt came in immediately and said quietly, “He’s drunk. Lizzy, I hope you don’t end up regretting this.”
    Before she could