Coda 02 -A to Z

to call Matt. I’m the one who suggested Zach move here.
    I was so sure last night that I’d be able to let him go. But all day, as we talked ’bout him movin’ here, it’s just been eatin’ at me more and more. I don’t want to lose him. I want more than one night with him. All that shit I said to him—only reason I was so crazy mad was ’cause it’s all true. He is my whole life. I got nothin’ else. Pinned all my happiness on him, and now he’s gonna leave me.
    I know I can move too. I can follow him. Just don’t know if I should. Is it better to be here with him, seein’ him but never havin’ him? Or is it better to be alone?
    A car pulls up next to me. Lizzy. “Come on, Angelo. I’ll give you a ride.”
    I don’t want a ride, but don’t want to be rude, either, and it’s pretty clear Lizzy isn’t the type to give up. I get in her car. She doesn’t say a word all the way to the motel, but just as I’m gettin’ out, she says, “He’ll come around.”
    “Don’t know what you’re talkin’ ’bout.” ’Course I’m lyin’, but I’m sure as hell not talkin’ to her ’bout it.
    She acts like she didn’t hear me. “You know what’s really funny, Angelo? I had this exact same conversation with Jared once about Matt. I told him Matt would come around. He didn’t believe me either, but I was right.” She turns to me and smiles like she’s some kind of oracle grantin’ me a fuckin’ blessin’. “I’m right this time too.”
    I just shake my head at her. Get out of her car. Go into our room. Take a scorchin’ hot shower. Let all that anger just wash away. What I’m left with is an achin’ hole inside me that feels worse than the anger did. I climb into bed and bury myself down deep under the covers. When Zach comes in, I don’t say a word.

Zach…
    A NGELO was sleeping when I got back to our room. Or maybe he was faking. Either way it was obvious he didn’t want to talk to me.
    I’d been thinking a lot about what Jared said. I didn’t think I was an asshole, which meant I was blind. I just had to figure out what it was that I was supposed to be seeing.
    I had never seen Angelo as mad as he was tonight. The closest was that day with Tom, when Tom delivered his little ultimatum. There was also that day he tried to quit his job at A to Z. I never did figure out what that was all about. I struggled to think back. What had happened the day before that? I had asked him to go to Folk Fest with me, and he said yes. But then Tom decided to go instead. When Angelo left my house that night, we thought Tom was going with me, and Angelo was staying home.
    But did that explain him almost quitting his job?
    I thought about some of the things he had said when he was yelling at me. “You think you’re my whole fuckin’ life, Zach?” Of course I didn’t think that. Did he really believe that was how I felt? Why would he think that? Obviously because I thought he was coming with me. I shouldn’t have assumed that. And yet coming here was his idea. He had said, “You think I don’t know I’m the one who suggested you leave?” He suggested it. Yet now that it was coming to fruition, he was mad. At me. Because I would be leaving.
    I really was blind.

    Angelo was in love with me.
    It didn’t seem possible. And yet it made sense. All the time he spent with me. His hatred of Tom. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that it was true. I thought about the night before, when I had felt his hand on my thigh. I hadn’t thought much about it at the time. I had figured he himself hadn’t even realized it was there. Now I had to wonder.
    Suddenly I was ridiculously aware of him in the room with me, in the bed right next to mine. I could hear him breathing. I could actually smell the shampoo he had used in the shower. I suddenly wanted to know what he was wearing, under the covers. I wondered what would happen if I slid into bed next to him and touched him. I suddenly wanted more than anything to kiss him. I started to get hard, just thinking about it.
    “Zach?”

    I jumped about a foot. I felt guilty, like he had just caught me masturbating. “Yes?”

    “I’m sorry.”

    “Ang, I didn’t know….” I didn’t know what? It seemed like the list of things I didn’t know an hour ago was pretty damn long.
    “I’ll still help you paint, Zach. And I’ll help you move.” “Ang….”
“I can’t, Zach. I just can’t.”
    I wasn’t even sure what we were talking about