Coda 02 -A to Z

ridin’ on the game. They’re razzin’ each other and throwin’ shit at each other, and I’m pretty sure they’ve forgotten we’re there at all.
    Zach and I start out at opposite ends of the couch, but we figure out quick that our constant chatter is annoyin’ to Matt and Jared, so I move over and sit next to him. As the game goes on, we end up closer. Don’t know if it’s me movin’ closer or him. Our legs are touchin’. His arm’s on the couch behind me. He leans over to say somethin’ in my ear, and I feel his hand on my shoulder, pullin’ me closer to him.
    I want him so much. He’s talkin’, but I’m not even hearin’ him. All I can think ’bout is his hand on my shoulder, his thigh against mine, his lips almost touchin’ my ear. He smells so good. I want to kiss him. It would be so easy to just turn my head and put my lips against his. My hand is on my knee, and I slide it over an inch or two, onto his thigh. He doesn’t seem to notice. Can I move it higher? Will he notice then? Will he tell me to stop?
    “ Touchdown! ” Jared yells suddenly, then turns and pounces on Matt. Zach and I haven’t been watchin’ the game, and we both jump.
    Just like that, the moment’s over. Zach’s laughin’ at Matt and Jared, and I take my hand away. Move an inch or two away from him. Try to make my heart stop racin’. Try to make my erection go away. Try to make myself stop lovin’ him.
    Two outta three ain’t bad, right?
    We get back to the room, climb into our separate beds. He falls asleep almost immediately, his breathin’ slow and regular. I lay awake for a long time. Can’t stop thinkin’ ’bout him. Wish I had a way to show him how much it meant to me, what he did today, takin’ me to the park. I know he thinks it was nothin’. But nobody’s ever done anything like that for me before. It just makes me want him more.
    I could go to him. Get out of my bed. Take two steps and get into his. Just kiss him, push my body against his, move my hand down his bare stomach, and I know he’ll respond. I know he won’t say no. Two small steps and he’ll be mine.
    For tonight, that is.
    The question is, what happens tomorrow? Will he laugh it off as a one-time fuck? Will he give me the let’s-just-be-friends speech? Will he pretend it never happened and spend the rest of the trip refusin’ to make eye contact? All of those things seem equally possible. And equally unbearable. If I didn’t love him, it would be so simple. A few nights together in this room, sharin’ a bed, and then on with my life. He’d move to Coda. I’d go back home….
    And suddenly, it hits me.

    We’re here in Coda so Zach can decide if he wants to move here. And if that happens, I’ll probably never see him again. I have to force myself to keep breathin’. Try to force my heart to beat again. How can I live without him?
    There’s still a chance he won’t decide to move to Coda after all. I hold on to that thought. But if he does? We could spend our last nights in Coda as lovers. But will that only make it harder when I have to let him go?
    I think about it a long time, but in the end, decide to stay in my own bed. If I only get a couple more weeks with him, I don’t want to ruin them by makin’ things weird between us. But I don’t intend to let him walk out of my life without ever touchin’ him or kissin’ him or havin’ him either. If I have to give him up forever, I will. But I intend to make sure that our last night together is worth rememberin’.
    I sleep late the next mornin’. When I wake up, Zach’s just comin’ back in the room with donuts and coffee. Jared’s family can’t meet with Zach ’til later, so we waste most of the mornin’ loungin’ ’round the motel room, watchin’ Jaws on TV, then eventually meet Matt and Jared for lunch.
    “You’re out with your department?” Zach asks Matt. “Yes.”
“That doesn’t cause trouble for you?”
    He shrugs. “A little at first, but it’s fine now. One of the older cops still won’t talk to me, but it doesn’t matter. Everyone else is cool.”
    “What about the rest of the town? I imagine it’s hard being gay in a town this small.”
    Jared shakes his head. “Most people here are okay with it. I’ve lived here my whole life, except the years I spent in college. I think they’re all used to it by now. Don’t get me wrong—you’ll be the talk of the town for a week or two. But they’ll get over it.”
    We finish lunch, and