Coda 02 -A to Z

almost completely silent, even when I pushed into him. I couldn’t help but think of Tom, who always sounded like a sound bite from a porno. Angelo could not have been more different. Other than his breathing, he barely made a sound. Maybe a gasp or a soft whimper, but nothing more. Yet I knew by the way he clutched at me and arched against me that his silence wasn’t due to lack of pleasure.
    I couldn’t get enough of just touching him. I loved the way his ribs felt under my fingers, the way I could feel his shoulder blades when my arms were around him, and the way the pulse in his neck pounded against my tongue. He was some rare, exotic creature who had magically landed in my life. I hoped like hell he wouldn’t decide to fly back out of it.
    Afterward he lay limp and drowsy in my arms. His eyes were half-closed and his cheeks flushed, and his lips were red and puffy. He was so gorgeous; I thought my heart would break just looking at him.
    “Ang, please tell me you’re not leaving.”
“Where you think I’m gonna go? It’s the middle of the night.” “You know that’s not what I mean.”
“No.”
“No, you don’t know that’s not what I mean?”
“No.” He smiled at me. “I’m not leavin’.”
    I held him tight until he fell asleep draped across my chest. I wondered if this was what love felt like.

…Angelo
    I WAKE up early. We moved apart durin’ the night—as far apart as we can be without one of us fallin’ on the floor. Guess neither of us is used to sharin’ a bed.
    It’s been more than four years since I woke up in bed with somebody. Even then, the only reason I didn’t leave before mornin’ was ’cause I was too fucked up to get home. This is the first time I intentionally stuck ’round to see what would happen the next mornin’. I’m tryin’ not to be nervous.
    I’m a little sore from last night. Been more than four years since I let a guy fuck me too. Forgot about how it feels the next day—that soft, quiet pain that reminds you all day of what you did the night before. I don’t regret it, though.
    What happened last night was unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. Even back when I let guys top me on a regular basis, I never felt anything like what I felt with Zach. Like our souls were touchin’. It was beautiful and amazin’ and scary as hell. Wonder if it will feel like that every time with him.
    I know Zach thinks he loves me. I know he’s gonna say it too. It’s too much to hope that I’ll be able to say it back. I’m just hopin’ I can play it cool and not freak right the fuck out.
    Nobody’s ever loved me before. I mean I like to think my mom did at some point. But obviously not enough to stick around. And some of my foster mothers told me they loved me, but never enough to keep me, or to stay in touch once I got moved again. I’ve had other friends I ended up in bed with too. Not friends like Zach, though. I always took off before they could get any ideas of things gettin’ serious. I never cared for any of them the way I care for him.
    Still, even now, there’s a tiny voice in my head tellin’ me to get the fuck out before he wakes up. That voice is tellin’ me that the closer I let him get, the more it’s gonna hurt in the end. I’m tryin’ not to listen. I’ve wanted him for so long. This is the real thing. If I can’t face it, I’ll regret it. Can’t quite make the voice go away, though.
    I hear him stirrin’. Can’t even turn around and face him. He moves up behind me and wraps his arms around me. He kisses the back of my neck. “Everything okay?” he asks quietly.
    Just the sound of his voice makes me smile. Just like that I can’t remember what I was worried about a few minutes before. “Yes.”
    “Good.” And I know he’s smilin’ too. His hand is movin’ over my side, across my stomach. I can feel him growin’ hard, and the same thing’s happenin’ to me. “Can we stay here all day?”
    I laugh. “You tell me.”
He groans a little. “Probably not.”
“Better stop now then,” I say teasingly, and he laughs.
    “You’re right.” He kisses my neck one more time, then starts to get up. “I’m gonna take a shower….” He lets it trail away, and I know it’s an invitation.
    “You go ahead.”
“Okay.” If he’s disappointed, he doesn’t let it show.
    He goes into the bathroom, and I stretch out on my back, takin’ up as much of the bed as I can. I drift back to sleep.
    I wake up to hands on my hips and