Coda 02 -A to Z

against mine. His mouth and hands, givin’ more and more. Our legs lock together, and we grind against each other. Our rhythm grows frantic and urgent. The release, when it comes, is slow and languorous and crazy intense.
    “You look so surprised,” Zach says to me afterward. I guess I am. “Never did that before,” I tell him.
    The look he gets on his face then—I can’t describe it. It’s almost like that look people get when they find out ’bout my parents. It’s shock and sadness. But this time there’s tenderness, too, and I find I don’t mind it so much. He wraps his arms around me and holds me tight.
’C OURSE it doesn’t last forever. All too soon, he’s gettin’ dressed
    again, talkin’ ’bout meetin’ with the real estate lady to look at houses. I’m tryin’ to convince myself that livin’ with him will be okay. Feels so good bein’ with him. Why shouldn’t we live together? Be cheaper for both of us. Makes sense, right?
    Still, I can’t imagine lookin’ at houses with him, like we’re married or somethin’. Havin’ some lady I don’t know givin’ us that look, tryin’ to hide her disgust. I convince him to look at the houses by himself. Better if I don’t go. Just have to trust him.
    I pace around the room for a while. Finally decide that’s just stupid. Go out and get a six-pack of beer for me. Buy a bottle of wine for him. I know he likes red, but other than that I don’t know shit ’bout wine, so have no idea what I’m gettin’. Get back to the room and order a pizza. Just finished payin’ for it when I hear him comin’ up the stairs. When he comes in, I’m leanin’ against the wall, lookin’ out the window, tryin’ to tell myself for the thousandth time that I can live with him.
    “I’m so glad you ordered dinner! I’m starving!”
“Got you some wine too. Hope it’s okay.”
“Thanks, Ang. Did you get a corkscrew?” Shit. ’Course I
    didn’t think of that. He can see it on my face, though, and he laughs. “It’s okay. I’ll go ask at the office. They might have one.” I take a deep breath, make myself ask the question, “Did you find a place?”
    “I narrowed it down to two. I want you to decide.” “Don’t care.”
    “Well, you should care. There’s a one-bedroom, and it’s cheaper. But the two-bedroom is nicer.”

    “Okay.” The bird in my chest is flutterin’ around, and I’m tryin’ to ignore it.

    “It all depends on whether or not you want your own bedroom.”
    My own bedroom? I hear his words, but I can’t answer him. That damn bird is startin’ to break free. I’m tryin’ to keep breathin’, just in and out. All I manage to do is nod.
    “Do you want separate bedrooms? It’s up to you. I’ll be happy either way.” In and out. That’s all I have to do. Really easy. People do it all day, every day, not even thinkin’ ’bout it. But suddenly I’m havin’ a hard time with it.
    He’s not lookin’ at me. He’s diggin’ through his duffle bag, lookin’ for somethin’. “The two-bedroom is nicer anyway. It’s got a great kitchen. It actually made me want to cook again.” He finally turns and looks at me. “Do you cook at all?”
    The bird in my chest is frantic. Think it’s goin’ to tear right out of me, like one of those aliens in the movies. I’m startin’ to see spots.
    “Ang?” I can tell he’s worried now. Just have to calm down. Haven’t had this happen in a long time, but still know what I have to do. Just breathe. In and out. Why’s it so fuckin’ hard?
    I feel Zach grab me and push me so I’m sittin’ on the bed, and then his hand on the back of my neck pushes my head between my knees. That’s right. Should’ve remembered that on my own. His hand is rubbin’ up and down my spine, and I concentrate on that. Breathe in when his hand goes down my back; breathe out when it comes back up. Just in and out. In and out. Not so fuckin’ hard after all.
    Once I’m in control again, I say to him, “I’m okay.”
    His hand on my back stops, and he drops to the floor in front of me. Takes my face in his hands and makes me look at him. “Talk to me, Ang!” I close my eyes, start to shake my head, but he hangs on. “Damn it, Ang, don’t do that! Don’t pretend like there’s nothing wrong.” I open my eyes again, and I hate how torn up he looks over me. “Talk to me. Please.”
    I take a deep breath, tryin’ to keep the bird in my chest tied down. “I can’t do this, Zach.”

    He