Coda 02 -A to Z

suddenly looks terrified. “Can’t do what, Ang? This? Us? Is that what you can’t do?”
    “No!” I push his hands away. Scrub my hands over my face. Have to take another deep breath before I finally say, “I can’t live with you, Zach.”
    I thought I’d see anger. Or disappointment. What I see is relief, and he grabs me and wraps his arms around me. Holds me against him so tight I can hear his heart poundin’ in my ear. “Jesus Christ, Ang, is that all? Why didn’t you just say so?”
    Have to admit that wasn’t the reaction I was expectin’. All this time I been so worried. “Didn’t want to disappoint you.”
    He laughs a little, but it’s a freaked out kinda laugh. “Worry less about disappointing me and more about scaring the shit out of me. I thought I was going to have to take you to the hospital, and I don’t even know where it is yet!”
    Can’t believe now how stupid I was, to think he wouldn’t understand. I put my arms around him. “I’m sorry.”
    “Shhh.” He’s still holdin’ me tight, rockin’ a little like he’s tryin’ to comfort me, but I’m not sure it’s me who needs it. “ I’m sorry, Ang. I should have realized. I should have asked.”
    Now he’s gonna beat himself up over it, and I don’t want that. I pull out of his arms, but only so I can look in his blue eyes. “Don’t think either of us is very good at this yet.”
    “I guess not.”
“You mad?”
“I wish you had just told me.”
“Thought I would get used to it.”
    He shakes his head at me, and I know that was the wrong answer. “Ang, I want you to be honest with me. Even if being honest is telling me that I’m being an asshole. I would rather you just tell me that you’re not sure about it so we can talk about it, than see you having another panic attack because I couldn’t guess what was wrong.”
    ’Course when he says it like that, it makes sense, and I feel like an ass. “I’m sorry.”

    He puts his hand on the back of my head and pulls me toward him so he can kiss me. “No more apologies, okay?”

    “Okay.”
    His tongue is tracin’ over my lower lip, and his arms are pullin’ me close again. “I’ll get the two-bedroom. You do what you need to do.”
    “Okay.”
    His hands are under my shirt. Can’t get over how good it feels to just have him touch me. My heart is racin’, and I’m hard already. My fingers are fumblin’ with the buttons on his pants. “I want you with me, Ang. Whenever you’re ready.”
    Before I can answer, his mouth is on mine, and he’s pushin’ me back on the bed, and we don’t talk for a long time after that.

Zach…
    I SIGNED a year-long lease for the two-bedroom house. I figured Angelo would be more likely to move in eventually if he had the option of having his own room. He rented a small apartment across from the motel, which turned out to be the same apartment Matt had lived in before moving in with Jared.
    We went back to Arvada. Ruby’s store was already empty when we got back. I felt bad that we had missed her. She left a note taped to my door. It said, “I had a vision. Use breadcrumbs.”
    “What the fuck does that mean?” Angelo asked. I could only shrug.
    Our last day at A to Z, all three of our regulars came in. Mr. D gave Angelo his e-mail address and asked him to keep sending movie recommendations. Justin thanked him profusely when Angelo insisted on giving him our copy of Heavy Metal . And Carrie actually managed to hug him goodbye, despite his efforts to sidestep her.
    Locking the store for the last time was strange. Ten years of my life, all ending with a turn of the key in a lock.
    Jonathan had been with me, the first time I set foot in A to Z Video Rental. It was a Saturday night, and he wanted to watch a movie. There was a help wanted sign in the window. I filled out the application, thinking it would be nothing more than a way to make a little bit of extra cash until a real job came along. Jonathan took exception to that. He said over and over again that real jobs didn’t just come along . I needed to be out looking for one. The fact that he was probably right hadn’t mattered to me much back then. We ended up fighting about it all night. In the end I went out and got drunk, and he stayed home and watched the movie alone.
    It was so easy to let it all fall apart. Easy to do the job, even if I was hung over or high. Easy to just settle in to the routine, and stop looking for that real job at all. It drove Jonathan