Coda 02 -A to Z

“That must be it.”
    It was the closest he had ever come to saying it. I swallowed around a sudden lump in my throat and held him tight. We fell asleep tangled together, but when I woke up a few hours later, he was getting dressed.
    “Where are you going? It’s the middle of the night.” He tensed and didn’t look at me. “Home.”
“I wish you wouldn’t.”
    He didn’t say a word. Just turned and left. I tried to tell myself it was no big deal. But that empty space on the other side of the bed haunted me the rest of the night.

…Angelo
    B EEN in Coda almost two months now. Still tryin’ to get used to bein’ with Zach. Still tryin’ to make that bird in my chest be still.
    Zach tells me he loves me. He says it all the time. I can’t say it back—not ’cause I don’t feel the same way, but ’cause I just can’t seem to make those words come outta my mouth. Seems like he doesn’t mind.
    I go to his house almost every night after work. He cooks dinner sometimes. Maybe we watch a movie or work on a puzzle or hang out with Matt and Jared. Sometimes we just talk. Sometimes we spend the entire evenin’ makin’ out or havin’ sex. I love bein’ with him. Still can’t believe how good everything feels with him. Never realized love could make sex feel so much better.
    Every night, though, that moment comes when I have to decide if I’m stayin’ there or goin’ home. Hate how hard that moment is for me sometimes. He asks more and more if I’ll spend the night. Makes that stupid bird in my chest frantic. The more he asks, the more I want to leave. Feel like no matter how much I manage to give, he just wants more. Sometimes I think there’s nothin’ left of me to give.
    I been spendin’ a lot of time with Matt and Jared. I watch them. They’re obviously crazy ’bout each other. What’s interestin’ to me, though, is that they don’t love each other the same way. Neither way is less or more than the other. Just different kinds of love.
    Jared’s love is a sated, contented kind of love. It’s like he’s been given everything he ever wanted, and now he’s just sittin’ back, enjoyin’ the ride. That cliché ’bout a couple bein’ two halves of a whole—I thought it was sentimental crap ’til I met Jared. Matt really is part of him. He knows where Matt is and what he's doin’ almost all the time. Not ’cause he’s keepin’ track; I don't think he even knows he’s doin’ it. He just seems to sense it. I watched them once, cookin’ together. They were on opposite sides of the kitchen, with their backs to each other. But every time Matt turned to hand somethin’ to Jared, Jared was already reachin’ back to take it from him. I know they’ve only known each other a year and a half, and yet, I can’t imagine Jared without Matt. He must have been only half alive.
    Matt’s love for Jared is somethin’ else entirely. For him it’s not so much constant contentment as it is a series of sudden, intense realizations. Watchin’ him, most of the time, you wouldn’t know they were a couple. He’s just spendin’ time with his best friend. But then, every once while, he’ll turn to look at Jared, and it’s like, instead of findin’ his best friend sittin’ there next to him, he suddenly sees the answer to every question he’s ever asked. And when that happens, you can see it on his face. It’s sheer amazement. Those moments he can't keep his hands off of Jared, either. Suddenly he has to touch him. Just to make sure he’s really there, I guess.
    I know the way Zach loves me is closer to the way Matt loves Jared. Not exactly the same, though. Matt doesn’t worry ’bout losin’ Jared. I know Zach worries ’bout losin’ me all the time. ’Course Zach’s never been stupid. I think he can sense there’s still some piece of me that’s scared shitless. That little voice inside of me that’s constantly tellin’ me to run like crazy before he has a chance to hurt me.
    I try not to listen to that voice. I know Zach practically worships me. Zach’s love is reverent. He’d do anything in the world for me. Still, sometimes that voice gets pretty fuckin’ loud.
    Two weeks ago, I found a second job—stockin’ at the grocery store three nights a week. I know Zach’s annoyed ’bout it. He tries not to show it. I know he’s tryin’ to give me my space. But I also know he feels like I just took three nights of our time together away from him.
    Guess he’s not wrong.
    But