Coda Books 04 - Strawberries for Dessert (MM)

was still slightly feminine. But it was different—softer, and full of fear. And that one word, only my name, hurt me more than I would have thought possible, because it meant that he was deathly serious. “If I told you that I would see nobody else while I was gone, would you believe me? Would you take me at my word? I may be gone for two months or four or even six.
    You know how I’ve lived in the past. If I told you now that I would have no other lovers but you, would you have faith in me?”
    I wanted to say yes. I wanted to say that I would trust him. But would I? Six months with him on the other side of the country or halfway around the world. Would I trust that he was alone all those nights?
    “And what about you?” he went on, his voice a strained whisper.
    “Four months from now, when I’m still not home, will you wait for me? Or will you find somebody else to share your bed?”
    “I don’t know,” I admitted, and his tears started to come faster.
    “ I do .” He pushed my hands away, turned away from me to wipe his eyes. “Either you’ll assume I’m being unfaithful and you’ll be bitter and angry, or you’ll get tired of waiting for me and you’ll find somebody else. Either way, one day I’ll come home, and you’ll be gone.”
    “You don’t know that it would be that way.”
    “I do know, Jon. That’s how it always works.”
    “You told me you hadn’t ever tried.”
    “I lied. And I can’t go through that, Jon. Not again.”
    I took his arm and turned him toward me. “I don’t want this to end, Cole. Please don’t do this. I lov—”
    “ Don’t say it!” he whispered, putting his fingertips against my lips to quiet me. There was something like panic in his eyes. “Please don’t say it,” he said again, pleading.
    “Cole—”
    “We should never have let it go this far.”
    “I don’t want you to go, Cole. I don’t want this to be over. Please don’t do this. I can’t believe that there are no other options.”
    His tears were coming faster now, but he didn’t make a move to hide them from me or to wipe them away. “There’s one other way,” he said. “Do you want to hear it?”
    “Of course.”
    “You won’t like it.”
    “You don’t know that.”
    He didn’t believe me, I could tell. But he took a deep breath and said, “Come with me.”
    “Come with you where?”
    He hesitated just a second, then said, “Everywhere.”
    I had to think for a bit about what he was saying, and once it dawned on me, I felt anger stirring in my breast. I let go of him and took a step back, and I saw in his eyes that it was what he expected.
    “You mean forget about working and just travel with you?”
    “Yes,” he said.
    “We’ve already talked about this once, Cole. I will not follow you around like a kept boy and live off of your charity.”
    “It’s not charity, Jon.”
    “It will look that way to everybody else.” My voice was getting louder.
    “It doesn’t matter what other people—”
    “How could I even hold my head up, Cole?”
    “If I were straight, everybody would expect me to support my wife. How is this—”
    “A wife ?” I snapped, yelling now, and he winced, but I couldn’t stop. “Is that what you want?”
    “You misunderstood. I only meant—”
    “And shall I have dinner waiting for you when you come home, too? Or is that still your job? Shall I call you the wife, then?” He winced at that, and I knew I had hurt him. But I was too angry to take it back.
    He stepped closer to me, although his expression was wary. “I have a life that most people envy, Jon. I can go anywhere. I can do anything. I have more money than I can ever spend.” He put one trembling hand against my cheek. “All I want to do is share it with you.
    All you have to do is say yes.”
    I loved him. God, I loved him so much I wondered how my chest didn’t burst open from the force of it. But I couldn’t imagine doing what he asked. I couldn’t imagine knowing that I had nothing of my own, knowing that I was dependent upon him for absolutely everything.
    “I can’t live like that.” I tried to make my voice gentle, but I might as well have slapped him. His breath caught in his throat. He closed his eyes and turned away from me, but not before I saw what he was trying to hide from me. He was ashamed. “Cole—” I started to reach for him, but he flinched away and held a hand up to stop me.
    “You asked me once why I act the way I do. This is why,