Confessions of a Reluctant Recessionista

swap her life for anyone’s (and certainly not mine), I do feel a bit sorry for her. It doesn’t seem as though she has a lot of fun.
    As a result, she can be difficult. And annoying. Punctuality is one of her things – lateness is right up there with second-degree murder in terms of severity. Turn up at Celia’s for dinner five minutes late and youcan guarantee that this fact will be returned to, several times over the course of the evening, in a number of contexts. All manner of ills – from the slight under-seasoning of the soup to the crème brûleé’s failure to set – will somehow be attributed to your lateness.
    Fortunately, we arrived pretty much on time (she’s not keen on people turning up early, either). I steeled myself for the inevitable barrage of I-told-you-sos that I was due from Michael.
    ‘Cassie,’ he said as he came down the steps of his house, trying to disentangle himself from Tom, who was attached to one leg, ‘how are you? So, so sorry to hear about the job. But I did warn you. Didn’t I? Didn’t I?’ He gave me a hug.
    He is the father of your niece and nephews , I thought to myself. You are not allowed to throttle him .
    ‘Yes, you warned me,’ I said, smiling, but speaking through gritted teeth.
    ‘So,’ he slapped me on the back, ‘how’s the job hunt going? Slim pickings, I’ll bet. You should maybe think of getting out of the big smoke, you know. Sounds counter-intuitive but smaller towns – like Kettering and Corby – may well turn out to be more resistant to recession than the Square Mile.’
    ‘That’s a good point,’ I said. ‘I might well think about that.’ Just as soon as hell freezes over .
    Celia was in the dining room, putting the finishing touches to her table setting.
    ‘Hi, Cass,’ she said when she saw me. ‘How’s the job hunt?’ God, these people are obsessed.
    ‘Slow,’ I said. ‘It’s going very slowly.’
    ‘That’s a shame. Have you thought about looking for things somewhere around here? Because Michael was saying that we might not be as hard hit by the recession as you are in London.’ Honestly, the woman would have almost nothing to say if she weren’t able endlessly to parrot her husband’s opinions. Good thing he has opinions on virtually every subject you care to mention.
    Over lunch (a very good roast leg of lamb, cooked to perfection – there are some things Celia excels at), we were treated to a round-up of Michael’s cases (conveyancing, conveyancing, one not particularly fruity divorce case, conveyancing) and, slightly more interestingly, a round-up of the kids’ latest developmental milestones. Monty is now clearly saying Mama and Dada at appropriate times (for a long time he got them mixed up), Rosie has mastered the use not only of a spoon but also of a fork and Tom can tie his own shoelaces.
    ‘A lot of kids don’t do that until they’re six,’ Michael told me.
    By the time we got to dessert (plum crumble with custard), Celia and Michael turned their attentions to me – specifically, to everything that was wrong about me.
    ‘The thing is, Cassie, you have to learn to be a bit more sensible about things,’ Celia said. ‘Now that you have no job and no rich boyfriend, you’re going tohave to change your lifestyle.’
    ‘Whatever happened with the boyfriend, anyway?’ Michael asked. ‘We never did get to meet him, did we?’
    Oh, that’s right, bring up Dad’s birthday .
    ‘He dumped her for another girl,’ Celia said helpfully. Why oh why had I told her that?
    ‘Still. You’ll find someone else. You’re looking well. Bit thin. Are you still going to that gym on the high street?’
    ‘Yes, I still go.’
    ‘You’re still going there! I can’t believe it. It was ever so expensive, wasn’t it? How much was it again?’
    ‘I don’t know. Hundred quid a month, I think.’
    ‘You don’t know!’ More incredulity, this time from Michael. ‘That’s where you’re going wrong, Cassie. You need to keep on top of these things. You need to write down all your outgoings. Keep tabs on your expenditure. That way you won’t end up living beyond your means.’ Heaven forfend.
    ‘Do you ever watch that programme, you know the one, MoneySavers ? It’s on ITV, I think it’s on Wednesdays. You should watch that,’ Celia said. ‘They’ve got loads of good tips. They had a thing on last week about making gifts for your friends instead of buying them – you know, knitting scarves, crocheting a