Cutler 05 - Darkest Hour

moment.
    Then, in a controlled but still very wrathful tone of voice, he pointed to the door and said, "March yourself right up to your room and shut yourself in there until I give you permission to come out, hear? I don't want you even to go to school until I say so."
    "But Papa—"
    "You're not to leave that room!" he ordered. I looked down quickly. "Upstairs!"
    Slowly, I rose and inched by him, my head still lowered. He followed me to the doorway.
    "Go on, get up there and close that door. I don't want to set eyes on your face or hear your voice," he boomed.
    My heart was thumping and my feet felt leaden. Papa yelled so loud all the servants peeked out of doors. I saw Vera and Tottie in the doorway of the dining room and at the top of the stairs, I saw Emily glaring down.-
    "That girl is being punished," Papa announced. "She's not to set foot out of her room until I say so. Mrs. Slope, see that her meals are brought to her room."
    "Yes sir," Vera said.
    Emily's head bobbed up and down on her long, thin neck as I walked past her. Her lips were pursed and her eyes small and piercing. I knew that once again she felt justified and supported in her convictions that I was a bad seed. There was no point in appealing to her, even on behalf of Mamma. I went into my room and closed my door and prayed that Papa would calm down soon enough for me to go to the party.
    But he didn't and he left The Meadows for his business trip without giving me permission to leave my room. I had spent all my time reading and sitting by the window looking out over the grounds, hoping and praying that Papa would find a softness in his heart and forgive me for my insolence, but with no one to take my part, Mamma confused and shut up in her own world, and Emily gleeful about my state of affairs, I had no advocate. I begged Vera to ask Papa to come see me. When she returned to bring me my next meal, she reported that he had shaken his head and said, "I haven't got time for nonsense now. Let her mull over her behavior a while longer."
    I nodded, despondent.
    "I mentioned the party," Vera revealed, and I looked up hopefully.
    "And?"
    "He said Emily wasn't going, so there wasn't any need to beg him to let you go. I'm sorry," Vera said.
    "Thank you for trying, Vera," I told her, and she left.
    I was positive Niles asked after me at school, but got no satisfactory explanation out of Emily. On the day of the party, however, he came to The Meadows and asked if he could see me. Vera had to tell him I was being punished and wasn't permitted any visitors. She sent him off.
    "At least he knows what's wrong," I muttered when Vera reported his appearance. "Did he say anything else?"
    "No, but his chin dropped to his feet and he looked like someone had told him he couldn't go to the party either," Vera said.
    That afternoon passed so slowly. I sat by the windows watching the sunlight diminish. On my bed I had my best dress spread out with my prettiest shoes on the floor, shoes I had dreamt of dancing in until my legs collapsed beneath me. During one of her clear moments, Mamma had given me an emerald necklace to wear with a matching emerald bracelet. I had those pieces beside the dress. From time to time, I would look at it all longingly and dream of myself all dressed up.
    After dark, that was exactly what I did. I prepared myself just as I would have if Papa had left permission for me to attend the party. I took my bath and then sat before my vanity table and brushed and pinned my hair. Then I got into my party dress and my shoes and put on the jewelry Mama had given me. Vera brought me my dinner and was shocked, but also delighted.
    "You look so nice, honey," she said. "I'm sorry you can't go."
    "But I am going, Vera," I told her. "I'm going to imagine everything and pretend."
    She laughed and revealed a little about her youth.
    "When I was your age, I used to walk up to the Pendletons' plantation whenever they had one of their big, gala affairs, and I would sneak up as close as I could and gape at all the finely dressed women in their white satin and white muslin ballgowns and the men, gallant in their waistcoats and cravats. I'd listen to the laughter and the music flowing through the open windows over the verandas and I would dance with my eyes closed, imagining I was a fancy young lady. Of course I wasn't, but it was fun nevertheless.
    "Oh well," she added, shrugging, "I'm sure there will be other parties for you, other times for you to dress up and look