Do You Remember the First Time?

hovered around, trying to listen in, but Clell told him to scram andsoon he was back in the front room, happily shouting at the television football.
    ‘I’m really sorry,’ I said first.
    Clell was up spooning coffee into mugs. ‘No filters, I’m afraid,’ he said gruffly. ‘My parents don’t believe in ’em. Milk and two, still?’
    ‘No,’ I said. ‘Just water, please.’
    ‘Don’t be a fucking coffee snob!’
    ‘OK. White and two. And by the way, before, when you weren’t listening. I said I’m sorry.’
    The kettle popped off, and he started to pour water into two beige mugs with harvest corn patterns that were as old as his parents’ marriage. He took his time carefully pouring out the water, added milk and sugar and set them down carefully on the table. Then he exhaled and pushed a hand distractedly through his thick black hair. I found it profoundly irritating. And a little bit sexy at the same time.
    ‘I heard you,’ he said.
    ‘Good,’ I said. ‘Perhaps now you can stop pretending you’re Mickey Rourke in a film.’
    ‘Well, if I’m Mickey Rourke you’re …’ He thought for a minute. ‘Some incestuous child molester I can’t think of at the moment.’
    I stood up, flushing hot.
    ‘I came over here to talk to you,’ I said. ‘Is that a waste of time?’
    He stood up too.
    ‘OK. No. Sit down.’
    I sat down. We played around with blowing on our coffee a lot. I started stirring the sugar in the bowl, smoothing it down like one of those Japanese rice gardens.
    ‘You and me,’ I started, swallowing nervously, and trying not to look him in the eye in case I got blown off course completely. ‘It was a long time ago.’
    ‘I know,’ he said.
    ‘I don’t know why I never got over it.’
    ‘I didn’t know you didn’t get over it.’
    ‘I realise that.’
    ‘Until I saw you again.’
    At first I thought he meant at the wedding. Then I remembered he’d never seen me at the wedding, because the wedding hadn’t happened yet.
    ‘Because we’ve never met!’ I exclaimed, realising suddenly.
    ‘Um …’
    ‘As grown-ups, I mean. In my head I think we’ve met as grown-ups so I assume you know certain things about me so you know … so you can see what I’m really like. But you haven’t.’
    ‘I’m confused.’
    ‘We meet at the wedding. As adults.’
    ‘OK …’
    ‘You think I’m just this little lost girl who never grew up, trailing the streets looking for you.’
    He looked uncomfortable.
    ‘You think I’m just some manifestation of arrested development.’
    ‘The thought had occurred to me.’
    ‘I’m not, you know! I’m a proper grown-up! I have a flat, and a life – a good life but now, you know now, you have no idea what it’s like for me,’ I said. ‘I’m performing every day of my life. Every day is a whole new test which I have no idea whether or not I’m going to pass or fail. I’m acting the entiretime. Almost no one has the faintest idea who I really am.’
    Suddenly I felt I was going to cry. ‘I am the only person in my class who can even remember Britpop. I’m the only one who ever used francs or lira, or remembers life without a remote control, or mobile phones or email or satnav.’
    ‘Or what?’
    ‘I don’t know! I don’t even know what that is, but they keep talking about it!’
    Clelland tore off a piece of kitchen roll and handed it to me. I thanked him and carried on.
    ‘I’m the only one who knows how to change a plug or make a fucking restaurant reservation. I’m the only one who … I’m the only one who’s had their heart broken. You know …’ I was openly sobbing now, those big painful ones that come from deep down. ‘Our history teacher was talking about 9/11. And she said had anyone been to the World Trade Center. And nobody had, because they were all fourteen years old and don’t even remember it that well. Except I have. There’s a picture of me there, and now it never existed. And I couldn’t even say how much I loved it and how much we all cried. And I am so alone.’
    Clelland was rubbing me on the back. ‘Ssh,’ he said.
    ‘I’m not a little girl,’ I said. ‘I’m not.’
    ‘No,’ he said.
    ‘I’m caught between two worlds. Umm, Like Britney Spears. And I was looking for comfort. And I’m sorry.’
    ‘I know.’ His mouth was very close to my ear. ‘I’m sorry about what I said.’
    I made a strangulated noise.
    ‘You’re not the only one who took a long time to get over it,