Eric

would probably be unable to keep her balance.
    Rincewind tried not to catch the sergeant’s eye.
    “Yes,” he said, going a bit red. “Well, you see. Er. You’re absolutely right, but well, it’s been a long siege, hasn’t it, what with one thing and another.”
    “I don’t see what that’s got to do with it,” said Eric sternly. “The Classics never said anything about children. They said she spent all her time mooning around the towers of Tsort and pining for her lost love.”
    “Well, yes, I expect she did pine a bit ,” said Rincewind. “Only, you know, you can only pine so much, and it must have been a bit chilly up on those towers.”
    “You can catch your death, mooning,” nodded the sergeant.
    Lavaeolus watched the woman thoughtfully. Then he bowed.
    “I expect you know why we’re here, my lady?” he said.
    “If you touch any of the children I shall scream,” said Elenor flatly.
    Once again Lavaeolus showed that along with his guerrilla abilities was a marked reluctance to waste a prepared speech once he had it all sorted out in his head.
    “Fair maiden,” he began. “We have faced many dangers in order to rescue you and take you back to your loved…” His voice faltered. “…ones. Er. This has all gone terribly wrong, hasn’t it?”
    “I can’t help it,” said Elenor. “The siege seemed to go on for such a long time and King Mausoleum was very kind and I never liked it much in Ephebe anyway—”
    “Where is everyone now? The Tsorteans, I mean. Apart from you.”
    “They’re all out on the battlements throwing rocks, if you must know.”
    Lavaeolus flung up his hands in desperation.
    “Couldn’t you, you know, have slipped us a note or something? Or invited us to one of the christenings?”
    “You all seemed to be enjoying yourselves so much,” she said.
    Lavaeolus turned and shrugged gloomily. “All right,” he said. “Fine. QED. No problem. I wanted to leave home and spend ten years sitting in a swamp with a bunch of meat-headed morons. It wasn’t as if I had anything important to do back home, just a little kingdom to rule, that sort of thing. O- kay . Well, then. We might as well be off. I’m sure I don’t know how I shall break it to everyone,” he said bitterly, “they were having such fun. They’ll probably have a bloody great banquet and laugh about it and get drunk, it’d be their style.”
    He looked at Rincewind and Eric.
    “You might as well tell me what happens next,” he said. “I’m sure you know.”
    “Um,” said Rincewind.
    “The city burns down,” said Eric. “Especially the topless towers. I didn’t get to see them,” he added sulkily.
    “Who did it? Their lot or our lot?” said Lavaeolus.
    “Your lot, I think,” said Eric.
    Lavaeolus sighed. “Sounds like them,” he said. He turned to Elenor. “Our lot—that is, my lot—are going to burn down the city,” he said. “It sounds very heroic. It’s just the kind of thing they go for. It might be a good idea to come with us. Bring the kids. Make it a day out for all the family, why don’t you?”
    Eric pulled Rincewind’s ear toward his mouth.
    “This is a joke, isn’t it?” he said. “She’s not really the fair Elenor, you’re just having me on?”
    “It’s always the same with these hot-blooded types,” said Rincewind. “They definitely go downhill at thirty-five.”
    “It’s the pasta that does it,” said the sergeant.
    “But I read where she was the most beautiful—”
    “Ah, well,” said the sergeant. “If you’re going to go around reading —”
    “The thing is,” said Rincewind quickly, “it’s what they call dramatic necessity. No one’s going to be interested in a war fought over a, a quite pleasant lady, moderately attractive in a good light. Are they?”
    Eric was nearly in tears.
    “But it said her face launched a thousand ships—”
    “That’s what you call metaphor,” said Rincewind.
    “Lying,” the sergeant explained, kindly.
    “Anyway, you shouldn’t believe everything you read in the Classics,” Rincewind added. “They never check their facts. They’re just out to sell legends.”
    Lavaeolus, meanwhile, was deep in argument with Elenor.
    “All right, all right,” he said. “Stay here if you like. Why should I care? Come on, you lot. We’re going. What are you doing, Private Archeios?”
    “I’m being a horse, sir,” explained the soldier.
    “He’s Mr. Poo,” said the child, who was wearing Private