Faster We Burn

face.
    “I should go check on mom,” Kayla said, looking out the door. We hadn’t heard anything from the room down the hall in a while.
    “Go, it’s okay. I’ll stay with her. I’m not going anywhere.”
    “Thank you,” Kayla said again before leaving the room. I went back to watching Katie, making sure her breathing was deep and even.
    Adam sat down in one of the chairs and stretched his arms over his head.
    “I feel like I should know what to do by now, having lost my mom and all my grandparents, but every time I think of something to do or say, it seems wrong,” he said.
    Couldn’t have said it better myself.
    I nodded and adjusted Katie’s head on the pillow. Her face was calm, as if she’d fallen asleep naturally.
    “Kayla’s trying to keep it together, but it won’t last forever. Eventually it catches up with you. Just takes some people longer than others.”
    Katie’s eyebrows twitched and then went still.
    “I have no idea what to do. I’ve never lost anybody I cared about. Not like this. I’m not exactly close with my family.” I wasn’t sure how much he knew.
    “Yeah, Kayla said you’d had a hard time, but the truth is, nothing can prepare you for something like this. There’s no manual or training course. You just have to hold on and not let it take you away.”
    I hoped it wouldn’t take Katie away. She was already so broken. It was too much for one person to handle.
    “Are you going to be okay? I know we just met, but we’re sort of in the same boat here.” He had a point.
    “I have no idea. I just want to be okay for her.” He nodded. Adam understood.
    What he didn’t understand was that I’d been on the brink of telling Katie about sleeping with Ric. I’d been about to hurt her again, and then something even bigger swooped in and did it for me.
    How could I tell her now? But how could I leave her in the dark? Every time she looked at me with such hope, it killed me. I wasn’t the guy she thought I was. I wasn’t the guy she needed me to be.
    She shifted in her sleep, turning toward me, and I knew that I couldn’t tell her anytime soon. Right now I had to be there for her and I’d figure out the rest later.
     
    ***
     
    Katie woke up a few hours later, after Mrs. Hallman had sort of calmed down. She’d moved from hysterical to a state like Katie was in earlier. Eerie detachment.
    Kayla ended up stepping in and helping with the arrangements, that his wish was to be cremated. She and the first grief counselor, Becky, talked and talked as Mrs. Hallman sat and nodded when they asked her a question. Katie was still groggy, so I kept her in my arms.
    Her phone went off and I realized that no one knew where we were. In all the chaos, neither of us had thought to tell Lottie, or anyone else, where we’d gone. I pulled out Katie’s phone to find about a million frantic, all-caps text messages and a number of voicemails.
    I didn’t want to leave Katie, but I had to do something, so I texted Lottie, Trish, Will, Simon, Zan and Audrey what had happened. This was not the kind of thing you sent in a text message, but I couldn’t really make a call.
    They messaged back, and I tried to answer them as best I could, saying that I would call later with more details.
    Talking, talking, talking. So much talking.
    And then it was time to leave. Just like that.
    I had no idea what the hell I was supposed to do, so I just got Katie to her feet and waited for someone to tell me.
    “I guess Africa is going to have to wait,” I heard Kayla say to Adam. “You can go back if you want.”
    “Not without you, and not like this,” he said, giving her a kiss on the side of her forehead.
    I looked at Katie, at her red eyes and disheveled hair, and I knew I wasn’t going anywhere either. Not like this.
    “I’m coming with you,” I said. “Wherever you go, I’m coming with you, sweetheart.”
    I drove Katie back to her house and Adam drove Kayla and Mrs. Hallman. It seemed like there should be more to it. Like rain, or a sad song. I guess death isn’t like the movies.
    There were a few cars in the driveway and the lights were on as if everything were completely normal.
    I didn’t carry Katie into the house, but she did lean on me as I helped her up the steps. The last time I’d been here, she’d kissed me and I’d drawn on her hand and I’d played the violin and she’d fought with her mom.
    As much as it had sucked when I’d had to leave, I wished I could rewind time and go