Faster We Burn

the window open, but now she was shivering. I couldn’t close it, and I wasn’t going to ask her to, so I reached in the back and found the blanket she wrapped around herself when she hung out with me while I messed around with the cars.
    “It’s going to be okay,” I said. No, it wasn’t. “You’re going to be fine.” No, she wasn’t.
    “Everything’s going to be fine.” No, no, no. Lies, lies, lies.
    She shivered under the blanket and I figured bad words were better than silence. Maybe they would distract her mind, or bring her back. Any emotion could be better than this. I searched for something, anything to say.
    “Sometimes when I’m alone I listen to Taylor Swift.” I looked to see her reaction, but there wasn’t any. “I mean, I know that knocks me down two points on the manly scale, but she’s actually got some good stuff. I mean, there’s a reason she’s so popular and you can’t get her songs out of your head, even if you want to. I blame it on Allan, but I’ve definitely put her songs on when I was alone and sang along. And sometimes in the car. That one about the guy who cheated on her is good.” I knew the name of it, but I was trying to get her to talk.
    “They’re all about guys who cheated on her,” she finally said. Guess my little Taylor Swift confession had worked.
    “Not all of them. There’s a few that are about love.”
    I listed them off and she agreed about which ones she liked.
    That took us a few more miles, and then I started talking about other music, other songs. Music. I could always talk about music.
    Katie’s musical palette was mostly pop, but she had a good ear, and with a voice like that I knew we could refine it a bit. I named off some bands and talked about their sound and what instruments they used and played her some songs. Yes, I could do this.
    The miles clicked by and the closer we got, the more I felt like I could keep this going. She didn’t smile or laugh, but she was talking and that was something. She still hadn’t cried, but I knew that would come.
    When I saw the sign for the exit to the hospital I almost let out a sigh of relief. She looked at the building with her wide eyes and I saw her lower lip tremble. She bit down on it as I zoomed around, trying to find a parking spot. After a few loops, I found one and stopped the car.
    “Do you…do you want me to come with you?” She pulled the blanket off and let it fall to the floor.
    “I don’t think I can do it alone.” That was all I needed to hear. I jumped out of the car and went to get her door for her. I had to help her undo her seatbelt and she clung to me as we walked toward the entrance.
    “I don’t think I can do this,” she whispered to me as the automatic door swooshed open.
    “Yes you can. I’m right here, sweetheart.” I squeezed her arm and took a step forward so she had to follow me.
    “I’m here…” she said when we got to the main desk and the receptionist asked where we needed to go, “I’m here to see my dad. Glenn Hallman.” The woman typed something into the computer and gave us a smile. She had no idea. She probably thought we were just visiting.
    “Room 301,” she said, giving us directions. I listened carefully, because I knew Katie wasn’t hearing her.
    “Thank you,” I said to the woman as I steered Katie toward the elevator. No way was she going to be able to do the stairs.
    A couple people joined us in the elevator, talking and laughing as if everything was normal. Their lives were normal, I supposed. Katie huddled into me and I put both arms around her. God, I wished my arms could do more than hold her.
    It took a while to walk her down the long hallway to the room. We both stopped outside the door, and Katie stared at it for a long time.
    The door was closed, but I knocked. I hadn’t planned on coming this far with her, but with her latched onto me, I wasn’t really going anywhere.
    The door opened and Mrs. Hallman, her face red and blotched, looked out. It was dark and there was a hush that came from inside that sent a chill up and down my spine.
    “Mommy,” Katie said, reaching one hand out and falling into her mother’s arms. I let her make the transfer and stepped aside. I didn’t belong here anymore.
     
    Katie
     
    He just looked like he was sleeping. The room was filled with monitors and IVs and other sorts of medical paraphernalia, but they were all silent.
    Mom and Kayla and Adam and I all stood around him, as if we were