Faster We Burn

looked down at it as if it was the first time he’d ever seen one. He looked back to my eyes and then took my hand, twisting and locking our fingers together.
    “I’m so sorry, Katie.”
    “Thanks,” I said, because that seemed like the thing to say. I sipped the coffee because that seemed like the thing to do and talked to Kayla about the ugly watercolor that hung in the hallway and pretended I couldn’t hear Mom sobbing and talking to Becky behind the door.
    Kayla and Adam huddled together, talking quietly.
    Stryker and I stood silent.
    “I don’t know what to say. To make you feel better, or to make this somehow less of a shitty situation,” he finally said as I finished the last of my terrible coffee.
    “You don’t have to say anything. I can’t even cry, so clearly you’re not the only one who doesn’t know what to do.”
    “You can cry or not cry. You can do whatever you want to.”
    I set the empty cup on the floor. I couldn’t be bothered to find a trash can at the moment. “I should cry. I’ve been trying to, but I can’t. How fucked up is that?”
    “Like I said, you can do whatever you want.” He pulled our linked hands to his lips and kissed the back of mine. It was a simple gesture, but it made me want to smile. If only I could figure out how to make my face do that.
    “Can I do anything? Get you anything?” he said.
    I shook my head.
    “Unless you know how to travel back in time, no.” Was I joking? How could I be joking? To his credit, Stryker didn’t look shocked.
    “I’m sorry, sweetheart. I’m so desperately sorry for you. I wish there was something…fuck.” He took the hand that wasn’t linked with mine and banged it against the wall.
    “My dad died. There’s nothing you could do.” I said it again, in my head.
    My dad died. My dad died .
    Three words. A bunch of letters strung together in such an order that they meant my dad was dead. He was dead. As in gone, lost, far away, never coming back.
    My dad died .
    “Oh my God. My dad died.”
    I said it a few more times and Stryker looked like he wanted to put my hand over my mouth so I’d stop saying it.
    “He’s dead,” I said, looking at Stryker. “He’s dead.”
    There they were. Tears.
    Like I’d somehow tapped into a hidden well, they started pouring out of me. A sound tore from my mouth, and I tried to stop it, but I couldn’t. I started to fall, but Stryker caught me again, yanking me into his arms, whether to comfort me or stifle the noise, I wasn’t sure. It didn’t matter because my dad was dead.
    Kayla’s arms came around my back and I was in a hug sandwich, but it didn’t matter because my dad was dead.
    And then I didn’t remember anything because my dad was dead.

 
     
    Chapter Nineteen
     
     
    Stryker
     
    I’d been waiting for her to break, or do something, and finally, she did. That was almost worse than the shock, because at least with that, I could still sort of reach her. When the grief and reality finally consumed her, there was no reaching her.
    I tried to hand her off to Kayla, but she wouldn’t let go of me, so we both sort of held her while she cried and made that sound I’d heard earlier.
    Someone must have called another grief counselor, because a second woman in a crisp black jacket and skirt showed up and tried to usher us down the hall to a room where Katie’s crying wouldn’t disturb the rest of the hospital.
    She wouldn’t walk, despite our coaxing, so I just picked her up like I had before and carried her into a room that looked like some sort of playroom with lots of plastic toys in a bin and ducks on the wall and plush couches for sinking into. I tried to set her down, but I had to sit with her, so she ended up on my lap, like a child.
    I stroked her hair and whispered things in her ear and the grief counselor tried to get her to talk, and finally made the decision that they had to give Katie a sedative.
    They took her to an empty room down the hall from Mr. Hallman’s and she fought a little before they gave it to her.
    “Hey, it’s going to be okay, it’s going to be okay.” I said it over and over, even though neither of us believed it.
    Soon, her eyes were drooping closed and her grip on me loosened. When the artificial sleep finally claimed her I sat back on the bed she was in and looked at Kayla.
    “She didn’t cry at all on the way down. She kept saying that she couldn’t and she wanted to.” I pushed Katie’s hair back so it wasn’t in her