Fear of Falling

No, of course not,” I said with more vehemence than necessary. I knew I sounded too eager to set the record straight, but the cat was already out the bag.
    “But you live together.”
    “Yeah, and I live with Angel too. Dom is my best friend.”
    Blaine looked unconvinced, but being so close to him, feeling like we were alone on our own little island off the coast of Dive, I couldn’t find the words to explain further.
    “You kiss all your friends like that?” A small, playful smile tugged at the corner of his mouth.
    “Some of them,” I jibed as flirtatiously as I could. I was horrible at flirting in one-on-one situations like these. I was awkward and nervous, and my palms sweated profusely. But in that moment with Blaine, with AngelDust in the background creating our very own soundtrack, everything just seemed right. Natural and seamless.
    He smiled, his mouth slightly ajar, and I could see him rolling the metal in his tongue. “Can I be your friend?”
    God, how I wanted that. I wanted it more than I ever wanted anything or anyone before.
    “Now what do we have here?” a southern drawl interjected, causing me to swiftly move away from Blaine. He frowned at my retreat, then cut his cousin an annoyed glare.
    “What do you want, CJ?” Blaine barked at him.
    CJ raised his palms in defense. “Easy, B, I just need a beer. Didn’t mean to intrude.”
    “You’re fine, CJ,” I found myself saying, pulling a beer from the cooler and popping the top. “There was nothing to intrude on,” I said with an assured smile.
    Just like that, my mask had fallen right back into place where it should have been the entire night. Yet, anytime Blaine was near, it slipped off easily. I didn’t feel the need to hide or protect myself. Deep down, there was an impulse that wanted to reveal the real me. I was tired of hiding. I wanted Blaine to be the one to make it better. To make it ok to be me. And that scared the hell out of me.
    I refused to look at Blaine, but I could feel his eyes burning into me. Whatever was going on between us had to stop. I knew it from the first time I saw him. Blaine forced me to let my guard down. I couldn’t afford for that to happen. My sanity depended on it.
    CJ looked between the two of us before shrugging off the awkwardness that hung between us like stale air. “Alright then. In that case, Blaine,” he said, pointing his beer bottle towards his cousin, “you won’t believe who showed up tonight. Wendy-fucking-Braxton! I told you she wanted you! I told her to stick around ‘til after the show. And, dude…she looks good enough to eat. Well, in your case, go in for seconds.”
    I felt the bottom of my stomach tighten and drop as I tried to busy myself with washing tumblers and focusing on the music pouring from the speakers. I felt sick, like I would lose my lunch at any moment. I couldn’t look at him; I wouldn’t do that to myself. I knew I had no right whatsoever to feel anything but indifference about the situation. Yet, my blasé demeanor had abandoned me, leaving my emotions raw and vulnerable.
    I told myself that this was for the best. This was exactly what I wanted, what I needed. No matter what my body felt, my head knew that I could never give myself to Blaine. And my heart? It never got a say. It was buried under years of mistrust and apprehension. It had been broken far beyond repair before it ever got the chance to open itself enough to love. While I felt affection for Dominic and Angel, I would never know what it felt like to be truly, deeply in love. And I was ok with that realization. At least that’s what I told myself as my chest filled with sorrow and my heart did the impossible.
    It broke even more.

Even over the hellacious cheers, I could hear my heart hammering inside my chest, creating its own rhythm, complete with booming bass lines. I should have said something—done something—to make Kami see that I wasn’t interested in Wendy or anyone else for that matter. I had no idea why I needed her to understand this but now more than ever, I wished that CJ would have just kept his damn mouth shut.
    I couldn’t quite read her, but I knew Kami had heard his dumbass comment. It had been hours and she still wouldn’t look at me. I really couldn’t blame her. I didn’t deserve those green eyes. I was a selfish bastard for wanting them sweeping over me, just a touch of a smile playing on her pouty lips. She tried to hide what she really felt, but those eyes