Feet of Clay

Innocent, And Seriously Prod Buttock, Sir,” said Dorfl.
    “He learns fast, doesn’t he?” said Colon. “I didn’t even tell him the last one.”
    “People won’t like it,” said Nobby. “’S not going to be popular, a golem as a Watchman.”
    “What Better Work For One Who Loves Freedom Than The Job Of Watchman? Law Is The Servant of Freedom. Freedom Without Limits Is Just A Word,” said Dorfl ponderously.
    “Y’know,” said Colon, “if it doesn’t work out, you could always get a job making fortune cookies.”
    “Funny thing, that,” said Nobby. “You never get bad fortunes in cookies, ever noticed that? They never say stuff like: ‘Oh dear, things are going to be really bad.’ I mean, they’re never misfortune cookies.”
    Vimes lit a cigar and shook the match to put it out. “That, Corporal, is because of one of the fundamental driving forces of the universe.”
    “What? Like, people who read fortune cookies are the lucky ones?” said Nobby.
    “No. Because people who sell fortune cookies want to go on selling them. Come on, Constable Dorfl. We’re going for a walk.”
    “There’s a lot of paperwork, sir,” said Sergeant Colon.
    “Tell Captain Carrot I said he should look at it,” said Vimes, from the doorway.
    “He hasn’t been in yet, sir.”
    “It’ll keep.”
    “Right, sir.”
    Colon went and sat behind his desk. It was a good place to be, he’d decided. There was absolutely no chance of finding any Nature there. He’d had a rare conversation with Mrs. Colon this morning and made it clear that he was no longer interested in getting close to the soil because he’d been as close to the soil as it was possible to get and the soil, it turned out, was just dirt. A good thick layer of cobblestones was, he decided, about as close as he wanted to get to Nature. Also, Nature tended to be squishy.
    “I’ve got to go on-duty,” said Nobby. “Captain Carrot wants me to do crime prevention in Peach Pie Street.”
    “How d’you do that, then?” said Colon.
    “Keep away, he said.”
    “Ere, Nobby, woss this about you not being a lord after all?” said Colon cautiously.
    “I think I got the sack,” said Nobby. “Bit of a relief, really. That nobby grub isn’t much, and the drink is frankly piss.”
    “Lucky escape for you, then,” said Colon. “I mean, you won’t have to go giving your clothes away to gardeners and so on.”
    “Yeah. Wish I’d never told them about the damn’ ring, really.”
    “Would’ve saved you a lot of trouble, certainly,” said Colon.
    Nobby spat on his badge and buffed it industriously with his sleeve. ’ S a good job I never told them about the tiara, the coronet, and the three gold lockets , he said to himself.

    “Where Are We Going?” said Dorfl, as Vimes strolled across the Brass Bridge.
    “I thought I might break you in gently with some guard duty at the palace,” said Vimes.
    “Ah. This Is Where My New Friend Constable Visit Is Also On Guard,” said Dorfl.
    “Splendid!”
    “I Wish To Ask You A Question,” said the golem.
    “Yes?”
    “I Smashed The Treadmill But The Golems Repaired It. Why? And I Let The Animals Go But They Just Milled Around Stupidly. Some Of Them Even Went Back To The Slaughter Pens. Why?”
    “Welcome to the world, Constable Dorfl.”
    “Is It Frightening To Be Free?”
    “You said it.”
    “You Say To People ‘Throw Off Your Chains’ And They Make New Chains For Themselves?”
    “Seems to be a major human activity, yes.”
    Dorfl rumbled as he thought about this. “Yes,” he said eventually. “I Can See Why. Freedom Is Like Having The Top Of Your Head Opened Up.”
    “I’ll have to take your word for that, Constable.”
    “And You Will Pay Me Twice As Much As Other Watchmen,” said Dorfl.
    “Will I?”
    “Yes. I Do Not Sleep. I Can Work Constantly. I Am A Bargain. I Do Not Need Days Off To Bury My Granny.”
    How soon they learn , thought Vimes. He said: “But you have holy days off, don’t you?”
    “Either All Days Are Holy Or None Are. I Have Not Decided Yet.”
    “Er…what do you need money for, Dorfl?”
    “I Shall Save Up And Purchase The Golem Klutz Who Labors In The Pickle Factory, And Give Him To Himself; Then Together We Will Earn And Save For The Golem Bobkes Of The Coal Merchant; The Three Of Us Will Labor And Buy The Golem Shmata Who Toils At The Seven-Dollar Tailor’s In Peach Pie Street; Then The Four Of Us Will—”
    “ Some people might decide to free