Ghost Time

I mean, after we started talking. It was humiliating for him, you know, I said, and it was the first time I realized why he and I had so much in common. And I didn’t tell her this, but it was the first time it crossed my mind, and I don’t know why, but it’s so much easier to be sympathetic of someone else’s shame than your own. Mel, how do you know that about epilepsy? I asked, and she said, Drrr. I’ve spent more time in hospitals than you have, remember. Anyhow, he’s hot , and I snorted, watching Knox kneel back down to sit with us. Knox looked at us, shaking his head the way he does, inside, without moving on the outside. We should get going soon, girls, he said. Think my dad would let me go out on a date? With Ricky? I said, and out of the blue, Knox goes, No. Both our mouths fell open, and we just looked at him—he didn’t know exactly what we were talking about, but he knew something and he wasn’t having any of it.
    It was such a good day, I forgot all about Cam for like three hours—well, two maybe. On the way home, Mel goes, Thee, Thee! Play him our song, play my dad our song , and I turned to Knox and I go, We have a song, me and Mel, Our Song. You want to hear Our Song? I said, and Mel started laughing. Knox goes, You two have a song? I go, You bet we do, then I plugged in my iPod, and pulled it up. Ready, Mel? I said, and she goes, Born ready! I started laughing, and then I hit play, and I turned to face Mel, so she could see me dance, shimmying my shoulders, right when it kicked in: Buht, buhn… buh-nuh-but-nuht-nuht! Sweet sixteen in leather boots! Body and soul, I go crazy! Knox pulled over.
    I’m not kidding: Knox pulled over, on the side of the road, and I looked at him and said, Chill, Daddy, chill! Then, all choppy, he goes, What the hell is that? I told him, That’s Iggy, Knox— Sixteen , get it? We’re going to be sixteen , that’s why it’s Our Song? And Mel goes, Ohmygod, Dad, this song’s only like fifty years old , and I go, Seriously, Mel loves the Stooges, and Knox goes, No. Oh, no, no, like he’s putting his foot down, and Mel goes, He’d rather I listened to Foreigner , and I gasped. My mouth fell open, and I said, Knox, you don’t honestly listen to Foreigner, do you? He turned to the backseat, knowing exactly who told me, but still, I was so embarrassed, I had to cover my face, blushing. I go, Ohmygod, that’s like worse than finding out your dad watches porn, and Mel goes, Don’t even get me started. And I looked at Knox, like, Eww . I said, Please tell me you don’t listen to the Indigo Girls and watch porn at the same time, and his chin fell open, and I said, I’m sorry, but that’s disgusting.
    Mel goes, Come on, Thee, sing it with me: I wanna know what love is, I want you to show me…. I had to stop laughing before I could sing that line with her, because that’s all I knew, and then it hit me again. I keep reaching out, wanting to share these things, these moments, with Cam, and I keep getting bitch-slapped by reality. I shut my mouth while Knox pulled back on the highway, and Mel goes, Thee, you okay? I nodded, but I didn’t turn around. She goes, You want to talk? I shook my head no, oh, no. Knox looked at me, I could see him looking at me, and then he looked in the rearview. Just then, we reached the turnoff to my building, and I could see a couple news vans—I saw the satellite dish on a news van, and I said, Pull over.
    I still forget—I keep forgetting anyone knows, that anyone cares, about reporters, waiting around our building. Then, for a split second, when I see them there, I still can’t believe it’s happening, that there are all these people waiting to take my picture, ask me questions, you know? But as soon as I saw them, I said, Stop. Knox saw them too, at the same moment. Let me out here, I said. It’s fine. Really, it’s fine, I said, and I didn’t say it, but he knew. I didn’t want him to drive any closer to our house because Mel was in the car. I didn’t want her to see this, all these people, waiting for me to show up. What’s up? she said, and she couldn’t see them, but she knew something was going on. I’m getting out here, I said, as Knox pulled over, off the highway, but he didn’t turn in.
    Here? Why here? Mel asked, and I turned around. I smiled, trying to let her know it was okay, even though it wasn’t. Because, I said, and I started to say something, but I didn’t even knowwhat I was going to say.