Ghost Time

I’ll tell you later, okay? It’s nothing, but I just don’t want to get into it right now. Please? I said, and she didn’t like it, but she listened. Of course I knew she’d be angry that I was trying to protect her the same way Knox was always trying to protect her. The way that didn’t let you live life, that treated you like a child, or worse, in her case, an invalid. It’s not fair, I know. Then again, in this case, in this situation, that’s how it had to be. And I know Knox wanted to walk me to my door, but Mel had to come first, and we both knew it.
    So I got out, on the side of the road, and I waved good-bye, waiting for them to leave before I took my phone out to call my mom, heading upstairs, taking the back way. There was nothing she could do to make them go away, but it was something for me to focus on, when I walked into the building. If they saw my mom there, sometimes people were better behaved, but they would still ask me anything they want, whether my mom was there or not. Like, Are there more sex tapes, Thea? How do you feel about being called a teenage porn star? Do you think your boyfriend’s dead?
    Sometimes, the storm’s worse inside than outside. When Mom opened the door for me, I got inside, and what did I see? The lawyers—the lawyers were back again, sitting on our couch. I looked at my mom, disgusted, and before I could say anything, the man goes, Hello, Thea. You mother called to discuss the video, from the party last year. I go, What’s there to discuss? He goes, Do you intend to press charges? I go, Press charges? He said, Whether or not you decide to press criminal charges, the DA—. No, I said, and my mom goes, Thea, that’s not up to you,and I go, Leave me alone, all of you! I yelled, then I went to my room and slammed the door.
    I felt it again, building up, the pressure, it kept building. I had to fight it—I couldn’t let it win. I couldn’t go back, I didn’t want to go back. Then I heard myself, realizing I spoke out loud: Please, I said. Please? I didn’t know who I was talking to, but I said, Please help me. Because I didn’t want to go back ever again, but I didn’t have any energy left to fight.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 26, 2010
    (FOUR MONTHS EARLIER)
    5:13 PM
    I’d never had a boyfriend before, so I had no idea how stressful it was, the whole gift thing. I mean, at first, I didn’t really think about it, because, well, I didn’t think it would last more than a couple weeks, and then Cam would want to see other people. So I never thought about Christmas, until Black Friday, and then, seeing all the commercials on TV, I was just like, Oh, shit. Guess maybe I should get it together, huh? And once I started thinking about it, I thought of a thousand things he’d love. Only problem was, I didn’t have any money. And even if I wanted to, there was no work anymore—there weren’t even babysitting jobs around here anymore. So, basically, there was nothing I could afford to buy him, and after a couple weeks, it put me in a mood.
    Every day we got closer to Christmas, the more it bummed me out—showed, too. One day, after school, I got so worked up about it that we almost had a fight. I mean, not a fight-fight, butwe were sitting in our booth at Silver Top, one day, and Cam’s like, All right, enough with the attitude and mopey face, Thee. Seriously, what’s the problem? So I just told him, Look, I’m sorry, but I’m stressed out about Christmas, because I don’t know what to get you, since I don’t have any money to get you anything, and—. He cut me off, and then he goes, This is what you’ve been pouting about? I go, I haven’t been pouting, and I cocked my head, and he goes, You’ve been a bit prickly, Thee. I was like, Cam, what do you expect? I’m stressed, okay. I told you. Cam goes, This is what you’ve been stressed about? I said, Yes, and he goes, I thought you hated Christmas? And I said, I do, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to spend money I don’t have like everyone else, and that got him. He laughed, sitting back.
    Come on, Thee, let’s just forget about Christmas, and instead, how about you stop moping and getting all stressed out about what you can’t get me that I don’t really need anyhow? I said no. No, I said, shaking my head, no way, out of the question. Why not? he said, and I said, Because, and he said, Because why? So I told him, Because I’ve never had a boyfriend, and it’s my first Christmas with my first