Ghost Time

in them, and she told me to open my eyes. When I did, I saw what it was, but I still asked, What is it? It’s a Walkman, she said, shaking her head at me, like,you silly girl, and I said, I know, but—. How else are you going to listen to all these tapes? she said, handing it to me. It was heavier than I thought it would be, and looking at the Walkman’s yellow plastic case, the words got caught in my throat. Finally, I said, Mom, I don’t… I’m sorry, but I don’t want to listen to these, and she smiled, Yes, you do—you might not want to forgive him, but I know you want to listen to these tapes.
    When she said that, I remembered Cam once saying I should forgive him, too. It was after Christmas. We were talking about my dad leaving me another text, and Cam said, Forgive him—not for him, for you. But I nodded no way, and Cam said, Thee, what if I did something? I cut him off: You aren’t my dad—you aren’t anything like him, Cam, and he goes, But what if I did something terrible, would you still love me? I said, Always. I’ve always loved you, and I always will, and he goes, Promise? And he took my pinkie finger in his and I swung our fingers: Promise, I said. Mom looked at me, waiting to hear what was on my mind, and I just shook my head no, nothing.
    I go, Mom, he hadn’t even talked to me in a year and he wanted me put away, and she said, Thea, he didn’t want you to hurt yourself, and he didn’t know what else to do—neither of us did. I said, Oh, please : he didn’t want me to hurt myself, but he didn’t seem to care how bad he hurt me, did he? She couldn’t argue with that, but she still found a way. She goes, Thea, I’m sorry to say this, but the truth is, you aren’t hurting him half as much as you’re hurting yourself by not forgiving. I go, I’m not, Mom, I’m not hurting at all, and she goes, Oh, but you are, baby. You are—just because you can’t feel it now doesn’t mean athing. Make your peace. I know it’s hard to know how or where to begin, but you got to try, she said, walking over, putting her hand around my head. For you—not for him, for you, she said, and then I hid my face in her stomach again, because I felt so… angry.
    Thea, try to understand, she said, meaning about my dad, right, but I snapped at her, Mom, that’s all I do! All day long, I try to understand! Really, how could she even say that to me? And she goes, I know, I know, I’m sorry. Just listen, then. Try to listen, whenever you don’t understand, and I got so annoyed with her all over again for saying that. Then she goes, Make your peace, Thee, and if you can’t do that—if you can’t make your peace, call a truce, and I go, What if I can’t call a truce? And she goes, Baby, you can do anything you put your heart to, then she took my face in her hands and she pulled my chin up and said, I love you. She kissed my forehead, and each of my eyes, and then she went to her room, closing the door, leaving me alone with the Walkman and a box of mixed tapes.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 7, 2010
    (SIX MONTHS EARLIER)
    3:57 PM
    The first time it happened, the first time that time stopped, was in the woods. Cam offered to give me a ride home from school, maybe the third time we met after school, and when we got in his car, he was about to turn the ignition, and then he stopped and he looked over and he goes, Can I show you something? He said it wouldn’t take long, and we didn’t have to stay. Think of it as a field trip, he said, and I go, A field trip? He goes, A surprise, how’s that? I started to ask him where we were going, and then I decided it didn’t matter, because I wanted to stay with him as long as possible.
    And I’m not even into cars, really, but Cam’s car is so bitchin’ , I literally had to bite my tongue to keep from giggling, getting in. Seriously, I was trying to play it off, hard as I could, but I couldn’t help myself: I felt so fucking cool. Trust me, that never happens. I mean, when he pulled out of the parking lot, I had the strangestfeeling, and I didn’t know what it was at first. Sort of like when you feel a swelling in your throat, and you touch your neck thinking, Am I getting sick? Except I wasn’t getting sick, I was just… happy. I didn’t care where we were going until we pulled down a dirt road that I knew, heading to this place in the woods. When we got to the end of the road, Cam parked and he goes, I wanted to bring you here, Thea. Right here. Why? I said,