Ghost Time

and I made the other half for him, she said, but I didn’t know what to say. Then Mom smiled and said, You know he was in a band when I met him? I just looked at her, stunned, and she goes, See? You didn’t know that, did you? I go, No one ever told me, and before I could ask why not, she said, They were called the Tesla Coils, and then her head fell to the side and she started laughing. Ewe , I said, wincing. Yeah, she said, they called themselves synth punks, and I go, Mom. Please, stop.
    She goes, They wore matching leather jackets—. I go, Okay, now I’m losing my appetite, but she wouldn’t listen, oh, no. She goes, They did this cover of the Stranglers’ “Peaches,” and I just about swooned, she said. Don’t know it, I said, nodding, relieved. Yes, you do: peaches on beaches , Thee? And I was just like, Oh , is that what they’re saying? I thought it was, bitches on beaches . She started laughing, and she goes, They wore eyeliner, and I go, Ohmygod: stop, Mom. You have to stop, I said, getting up, about to take my plate with me, and she grabbed my hand, not letting me go. So I sat down again. She goes, But the tapes he made me,that was as close as your dad ever got to writing me poetry, and I go, Mom, are you drunk? She goes, It’s called survival, Thea—I’m a survivor. I said, Okay, but that’s, that’s just disgusting . So unless you’re offering me a drink, I said, standing again. Oh, sit down, and eat your dinner, young lady, she said, and I sat down, still shivering, ugh .
    It gets better, or worse, she said, and I was just like, No. I go, No, Mom, please don’t, because I knew it was going to be really, really bad, and I said it again, No, and then she said it. The Cod Pieces, that was his other band, she said, and I screeched, Ew, ew, ew! It was so gross, you know, like all I could do was shake my hands, it was so gross, and then I blushed, and Ohmygod, no wonder, you know? No wonder I am the way I am: I never had a chance.
    Now, she said, and I knew she was going to start in again about me and my dad, and I cut her off. I go, Mom, after all he’s done, how can you forgive him? She leaned forward, and grabbed my hand, and she goes, Because I don’t see it as a choice. The way I see it, forgiveness isn’t a choice, it’s a necessity—not for him, for me . Because it’s the only way I will ever truly be able to get him out of my life, she said, and I knew she was about to talk about me, too, why I needed to forgive him, but fortunately or unfortunately, her cell rang. I go, Saved by the dumbbell, knowing it was Rain Man, and I thought she’d go get her phone, but she just let it ring. Because we were talking, and honestly, I was so grateful she stayed with me, that we came first, that I came first.
    I pulled out one of the tapes, ready to make a joke, and then I saw the heart—it was a boy’s writing, my dad’s. He’d drawn thislittle red heart with his initials and my mom’s initials, and a big arrow through the heart. He used all these different color pens, red, black, purple, blue, and for the songs, the playlist, he wrote out in all these different funky letters, like his own typography, whatever, and the whole playlist was written out: Siouxsie Sioux, Bauhaus, New Order, Love and Rockets, the Cure, the Smiths, Cocteau Twins, Wire—a goldmine. I don’t know why it made me tear up, but it did, because… because I don’t understand why—why my dad… I don’t understand him or why he did what he did. Really, I don’t understand people. And I don’t know what’s happened to my boyfriend or what the hell’s going on and nothing makes sense. For like one moment, one beautiful hour, I loved and I was loved and I believed, heart and soul, and this world was such a good place, and now it was gone.
    Just all of it, everything, it’s too much, you know? And my dad, fuck— ugh , I couldn’t stop crying, and my mom came over, and put her arms around me, and hid my face in her stomach, holding me, while she smoothed my hair. Like we used to be. And I cried.
    Finally, when I stopped, Mom kissed the top of my head, and then she goes, I’ve got something else for you. She went to the bathroom, and I heard her unroll some toilet paper, because I needed to blow my nose, but then she went to her room. I didn’t know what she was doing, but she goes, Close your eyes, so I did. And she came back in, and she said, Hold out your hands, so I did, and then she put something heavy