Ghost Time

in my room. God, I’d love to have an animal in the house—and it’d be so healthy—it’s a fact, animals are good for your health. Really, I mean, there’ve been so many times when I couldn’t feel anything, or I didn’t feel for a long, long time, but even then, even at my worst, whenever I’d see an animal, I could feel what they were feeling. Like if they were happy, I’d remember how it felt to be happy. And if they hurt, I’d feel hurt. I didn’t tell him that, but then Cam goes, A cat? Whatkind? And I go, Well, I know we should get a rescue, but I’ve always wanted one of those smoosh-faced ones, what are they called, and he opened the door. A Himalayan, he said, and I go, Yes! I want a Himalayan cat for my sixteenth birthday. In case you were wondering what to get me, I said, walking inside, and he whistled that whistle, like, pricy, because they aren’t cheap, Himalayans, I know.
    I went over to get something to drink, and we were horsing around. We have this running joke where Cam says, You know what Socrates said? It’s just something he said once, fixing my computer, because I was just like, You are so brilliant, Cam, and he goes, Well, you know what Socrates said? And then he never told me what he was about to say, because without even thinking about it, I go, Bend over? Totally rude, I know, but it just became our thing. So ever since then, like as a comeback, totally deadpan, Cam would say, You know what Socrates said? And I’d say, You’re killing me, you bunch of dumbfucks, or whatever. So he said it, walking over to the counter to pay, and I was about to answer, when I saw the donation can. You know those cans they have at the register at convenience stores, the ones that have pictures of dogs and cats that have been tortured, starved, burned, and it’s the most awful picture you can imagine? I leaned over the counter, laughing, about to answer, and there it was: a picture of this starving brown Lab who had been set on fire, so all its fur had been burned off its legs, and its skin looked like pink rice paper that’s about to tear—you could see bone and… and I lost it. Instant waterworks, bawling right in front of the guy behind the counter.
    Of course the guy was just like, Whoa, what’s going on? So Cam paid and took me outside, pulling me by the arm, and then we stopped and he goes, Babe, what’s going on? And I go, Didn’t you see that can with the dog? I go, Cam, how could anyone do that? I just don’t get it, you know; it’s so fucking awful to do that, and I started sobbing. The worst part was the eyes—the dog’s eyes were so gentle, but so scared, like she couldn’t even trust the person taking her picture. She just wants to love you, but she’s too scared to do that anymore. To do that to such a beautiful creature is truly evil, and I tried saying that, but it didn’t make any sense through my tears. Cam held me, trying to calm me down, stroking my hair and whispering, Shhhh….
    The thing is, almost all my life, I used to feel things so strongly, I couldn’t control it. And then, a couple years ago, I don’t know what happened, but everything shut down. It’s like the part of my brain that handles emotion, it bombed—not kidding, my brain bombed, and I couldn’t feel anything. I’m better now, but when I see something like that poor dog, I fall apart.
    We got in his car, and Cam handed me a bunch of those little take-out napkins to blow my nose, and I blew. I calmed down, and there were still tears in my eyes, but then I got so angry. I said, That’s just so fucking evil , to set a dog on fire, I can’t even— can’t , I said, locking my jaw to keep from crying again. I know, he said, slowly nodding like he understood exactly what I was saying, but trying to calm me down, because I was getting upset all over again. So then I swallowed back, trying to get a hold of myself. He waited until I could breathe again, and I smiled, like, I’m fine. Really. Then, changing the subject, rubbing my leg,Cam goes, Here’s an idea. How about I take you home and we’ll do something to cheer you up? He meant sex, right? Like he’d cheer me up by having sex with me, oh, lucky me. Which, to be fair, was our plan before I saw the horrible evil dog picture, but still, I was just like, Seriously? I was so annoyed, I snapped, How can you even think about having sex after looking at that picture?
    Cam froze—his mouth open, realizing how bad that sounded—knew he