Ghost Time

out, I can’t—I can’t explain how I knew, but walking up the back stairs, after Mel and Knox left, from the moment I walked through our front door, I knew there was something there for me, a message. I could feel it, and I was so certain, I didn’t bother taking off my coat at the front door, I just walked straight to my room, turned on my computer, and I was right. There was an e-mail from Cam, or Cam’s address, at least. I don’t know who it is, but all the subject headers are some inside jokes, something only Cam would know, like the subject header will say, You know what Socrates said? I open them because Cam is the only person in the world who knows the joke. Except this one was different, it was a time code, 5:57 PM, May 10, 2010 , and it said, Unedited .
    Somehow, I knew—I mean I didn’t know what, exactly, but I knew what day that was. I’d lived with it for a whole year. It was video taken at that party, at Spencer Perry’s party, last spring. The video starts when we showed up at his house, because things got started right after school. The four of us, we went to Leila’s house to change, and we got to Spencer’s by five, but the video’s shot in a way that it’s like there was someone else with us, walking between me and Dani and Leila and Stella. The four of us, we walked in alone, and the way the video looks, it’s like there was someone else with us, almost in the middle of the whole group. When I saw that, the way it was shot, I nodded and said, No, out loud. But on the other hand, everything else is exactly as I remember it happening.
    Stella and Dani went to the kitchen, and I stayed with Leila, outside, in the backyard. And then Spencer came over, and he brought me a drink, saying he’d make another for Leila when they went inside. I remember drinking it, and the hardest part, watching it again, was remembering how close I felt to all my friends that night, because these were my best friends. Maybe I didn’t choose this town, and it was hard getting used to it, but this was my home now, you know? And then—I remember this now, watching this video—slurring, I told Leila and Spencer: I feel so dizzy and buzzy!
    It was snowing, too. It was so weird because we had a huge storm that week, in March. Spencer’s parents had left for the Bahamas or Bermuda, I don’t remember. Just that we went inside so Spencer could make us some more drinks, I walked to the back windows of their kitchen, they had these big bay windows, and Ilooked at all the kids, outside, playing in the snow. And a few of them started spinning around, holding back their heads, and then all I know is they started morphing into multiples. Like two, three four of each kid appeared, and they all started spinning around, like florescent whirling dervishes. And it was beautiful, watching it snow in this big backyard. I think that was the happiest day I’d had in years, like for the first time since I’d moved, I belonged. Then the video stopped, and I realized the amazing thing was that it was exactly what happened to me. But how could anyone have shot exactly what I saw?
    I went over and sat down on the side of my bed, but I felt numb. Because when I think of everyone being called into Cheswick’s office to discuss the party; all these kids, all their parents, everyone getting so busted. And they all wanted a scapegoat. And I was new, and I was the one dancing on the coffee table, clearly I was the bad apple. And I’d never been in trouble like that, I’d never been singled out for any inappropriate behavior, but then everyone was so relieved to be off the hook, they had to dedicate themselves to believing their own lies.
    Still, sitting there, with my coat on, and my bag twisted around my shoulder, I smiled at the screen, feeling that moment all over again. I mean, it was the first time I’d ever really sat and thought about it, without crying or turning away, feeling sick. I’d gone through so much embarrassment, so much teasing and shame that year, but this time, I could actually watch without turning away. Honestly, I felt better, because that’s what really happened, and somehow, there was someone who knew the truth, too.
    Then, the very next day, I got another text with a link, right after I got home from school. The thing is, whoever sent it to me, they sent it to the whole school. I almost had a heart attack when I saw that, at first, and then I watched it, because I had to know what it was everyone was