Ghost Time

I turned to the backseat, and I go, Glad we got that settled, speaking to Melody, and Knox goes, Can I ask you something? And I said, Sure, shoot. And he goes, Does she hear what you’re thinking? looking at her in the rearview mirror. Mel started laughing, and I had to laugh, too, and I go, No, it doesn’t work that way. I mean, she might know what I’m thinking, because we’re friends, but I need to tell her in words, I said, and he shook his head, staring ahead. What is it? I said, because I could see he wanted to ask something else, and he goes, Nothing. It’s just I’ve never heard anyone say that, and I go, Say what? Knox said, I’ve never heard anyone call her their friend. I’m glad—I’m glad you’re friends, he said, speaking to Melody in the rearview, and she goes, Okay, okay, let’s not get carried away , and I laughed.
    Knox got this look on his face, and he had to look away for a second, then he goes, Thea, when you hear Melody’s voice? He looked in the rearview, at her, so she’d know he was asking us both. Yes? I said, waiting, and he goes, No, just—what’s it like, her voice? What’s her voice sound like? She sings beautifully, I said, turning to the back, telling her, because she was being so quiet. Knox goes, She sings? I go, Oh, all the time, and he goes, What, like songs or does she hum? I go, Yes, songs. She loves music, you know—not your music, but good music. He goes, Hey, hey, and I go, I don’t just hear her, I see her, too, Knox. I didn’t explain it this way, but it’s like bifocals—I see one girl sometimes, one girl othertimes, and once in a while, I see both girls at the same time. I go, I see the girl she really is—and I’m not just saying this, okay—but Mel’s the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen, and Knox looked in the rearview at her, and he goes, Me, too. Most beautiful girl in the whole world, if you ask me, and Mel goes, Dad, please. That’s so gay! I started laughing, and he goes, What did she say? I shook my head, like, Don’t ask, even though he already did.
    Grandma Lois has a beautiful voice , she said, and I raised my hand, repeating: Grandma Lois has a beautiful voice, and then Knox pulled over to the side of the road. What’s going on? Mel said, and I said, What’s wrong? And we waited, but Knox just stared ahead in a total daze. For like a whole minute, and then he raised his hand, warding me off. I… I just needed a moment, he said. I tried to get my mind around it, and sometimes I actually think I have. And then, other times, I don’t—I don’t understand one damn thing about what’s happening, he said. Just give me a minute here, he said, staring off.
    I know how hard it must be for him to get his head around it, but I don’t feel like he ever stops to think what it’s like for me, hearing his daughter’s voice in my head and being able to see her like she’s a normal, healthy, beautiful girl, so I told him. I said it: What, you think it doesn’t make me feel crazy sometimes? You think I don’t lie awake in bed at night, wondering if maybe they were right about me and I really should be locked up? I mean, seriously, sometimes, listening to you two talk back and forth, inside my head, outside my head, I feel like I’m gonna throw up, like I’m getting carsick—it’s not easy for me, either, you know? I said, covering my eyes with my hands, then sitting up straightagain. Knox’s mouth fell open, then he swallowed back, before turning and looking me in the eye, hearing what I was saying. I knew I shouldn’t have said that out loud, especially in front of Mel, but I did. I needed them both to know, because it’s like, this isn’t easy for any of us—not for Knox, not for Mel, not for me.
    So we just sat there, silent, like a wet wool blanket was thrown over the whole car, and then Mel said, I’m sorry, Thee. I’m so sorry about how hard this must be on you, with no one you can tell, no one you can even talk to , and I turned right around, looking at her, both girls, both Mels, bifocal vision: Never, I said. Don’t ever be sorry, because I can talk to you, more than anyone, and I wouldn’t give that up for the whole world, I said, smiling, but my chin puckering because I felt so teary. Which, thankfully, knocked things back into place by making Knox uncomfortable, readjusting himself in his seat and putting the car back in gear. Even so, we were all pretty quiet the rest of the way to my house.
    Soon as I got